So there I was sitting in our home office (mind you, after having spent 10 hours at my work office with no real break...including a 1 1/2 hour working lunch meeting) finishing up e-mails that needed to be sent for a big presentation on Monday. For 45 minutes.
And there was Hannah, sitting in the home office with me for those 45 minutes, periodically coloring, watching me type e-mails on the computer, and basically trying to get my attention by asking me the same questions...to which I kept replying "Um..hmmm... yes, Hannah. Ten minutes, sweetie," etc.
Finally, she gave up. Here's how it went down:
H: What are you doing, mommy? Are you on your e-mail?
Me: Yes, Hannah (continuing to look at my computer screen while typing away)...Just 10 minutes before you have my full attention. (tap, tap, tap, tap. type, type, type, type...)
H: Why are you saying 10 minutes? You said that 10 minutes ago.
Me: Oh yeah, you're right. (Looking up from my typing. Oops! Wow, only 3 1/2 - she catches on fast.)
H: Mommy, do you like to spend time with me when you're at home?
Me: (At this point, I stop typing all together and look her in the eye. Oh goodness, here it -- GUILT-- goes again.)
Hannah, honey. Of course I do.
H: Then why are you typing e-mails? You were at work all day during the daytime. And now it's almost night time.
Me: Hannah, I need to do some things for work. This is part of my responsibility. I need to do this for my job. And then after I'm done, you will have me 100%!
H: (looking down.)
But you're not looking at me when I talk to you.
Me: Because I'm typing. But when I'm done, we can talk all we want! (I give her a big smile and give her a bear hug.)
H: Uh...OK. Can I just stay here in the office with you while you finish? I just want to be here with you.
Me: (feeling sad and guilty that I could not give her my undivided attention even after I've already left the physical work office...but haven't yet emotionally left the office) Ok, honey. If it makes you feel better to be here with me while I am on e-mail, then please feel free to stay. I just can't pay full attention to you until I am done. OK?
H: OK. (she looks defeated and proceeds to color a Princess Leia coloring page I printed out for her)
(sigh, again)
And of course, two hours later, here I am in the same home office where I was previously sending out work e-mails.
And now, I am blogging about my interaction with Hannah instead of spending pure quality time --interacting, talking and making solid eye contact with her. GEMS, or "genuine encounter moments" as my parenting class teacher in Redirecting Children's Behavior called them. We need them to make deposits into the emotional bank account vs. what I am doing, which is probably a bunch of withdrawals.
(At least they are on the floor 2 feet away from me coloring Princess Leia, Darth Vader, Luke Skywalker... and if it makes them feel close to me and is providing a deposit in the emotional bank account, well, then...it'll do.)
One week at a time. And sometimes, I will have to take shortcuts.
2 comments:
Been there. Done that. It sucks. I try so hard to manage my time so I can be present with my daughter completely when I'm home. But sometimes, work calls and you better answer ... or else.
Come visit our blog: http://www.workingmomsagainstguilt.com/
I think you will enjoy it!
Are you sure you are not my long lost twin....Im on my second attempt, working and often my little boy will poke his head in the office and pull it apart to get my attention...so I can sympathise in all manner!!!
Post a Comment