The Empire (working mother guilt) Strikes Back

I came home tonight from work, only to get back on the computer an hour later to fire off some critical work e-mails before the evening settled in. 

So there I was sitting in our home office (mind you, after having spent 10 hours at my work office with no real break...including a 1 1/2 hour working lunch meeting) finishing up e-mails that needed to be sent for a big presentation on Monday.  For 45 minutes.

And there was Hannah, sitting in the home office with me for those 45 minutes, periodically coloring, watching me type e-mails on the computer, and basically trying to get my attention by asking me the same questions...to which I kept replying "Um..hmmm... yes, Hannah. Ten minutes, sweetie," etc.

Finally, she gave up.    Here's how it went down:

H:  What are you doing, mommy?  Are you on your e-mail?

Me: Yes, Hannah (continuing to look at my computer screen while typing away)...Just 10 minutes before you have my full attention.  (tap, tap, tap, tap. type, type, type, type...)

H: Why are you saying 10 minutes?  You said that 10 minutes ago.

Me: Oh yeah, you're right.  (Looking up from my typing.  Oops! Wow, only 3 1/2  - she catches on fast.)

H:  Mommy, do you like to spend time with me when you're at home?

Me:  (At this point, I stop typing all together and look her in the eye.  Oh goodness, here it -- GUILT-- goes again.)

Hannah, honey.  Of course I do.

H:  Then why are you typing e-mails?  You were at work all day during the daytime.  And now it's almost night time.  

Me:  Hannah, I need to do some things for work.  This is part of my responsibility.  I need to do this for my job.  And then after I'm done, you will have me 100%!

H:  (looking down.)

But you're  not looking at me when I talk to you.  

Me: Because I'm typing.  But when I'm done, we can talk all we want!  (I give her a big smile  and give her a bear hug.)

H: Uh...OK.   Can I just stay here in the office with you while you finish?  I just want to be here with you.

Me:  (feeling sad and guilty that I could not give her my undivided attention even after I've already left the physical work office...but haven't yet emotionally left the office)  Ok, honey.  If it makes you feel better to be here with me while I am on e-mail, then please feel free to stay.  I just can't pay full attention to you until I am done.  OK?

H: OK.  (she looks defeated and proceeds to color a Princess Leia coloring page I printed out for her)

(sigh, again)

And of course, two hours later, here I am in the same home office where I was previously sending out work e-mails.  

And now, I am blogging about my interaction with Hannah instead of spending pure quality time --interacting, talking and making solid eye contact with  her.  GEMS, or "genuine encounter moments" as my parenting class teacher in Redirecting Children's Behavior called them.   We need them to make deposits into the emotional bank account vs. what I am doing, which is probably a bunch of withdrawals.  

(At least they are on the floor 2 feet away from me coloring Princess Leia, Darth Vader, Luke Skywalker... and if it makes them feel close to me and is providing a deposit in the emotional bank account, well, then...it'll do.)

One week at a time.  And sometimes, I will have to take shortcuts.

Parenting lessons and the Woods (as in, Tiger) Family Playbook

I *heart* Tiger.

Best. Athlete. Ever. Period.

And the best role model I've ever seen on mental toughness and internal drive to be the best he can be. For nobody else but himself.

WOW.

So what does this have to do with augmenting our parenting skill-set?

Well, we're taking a page out of the Earl Woods playbook. Earl Woods. You know, the father who raised, mentored and trained the greatest and most mentally tough golfer, the greatest athlete, to walk the face of this planet?

Many criticize and say that Earl was hard on Tiger and pushed him into the sport. But talk to Earl and he claims it was all coming from his little boy.

Have you seen the new Nike commercial (called "Never") where they show old clips of young Tiger in his early beginnings of greatness with the voiceover of his late father?

"You don't really instill anything in a child. You encourage the development of it. "

Those are the first few words uttered by the late Earl Woods in the 60 second commercial.

Dave and I are taking a fantastic parenting class right now called Redirecting Children's Behavior. Last week's session was on praise vs. encouragement. And boy, did we learn that we were doing a few things, um, wrong.

Basically,
Praise = bad. (Well, not bad, really but not sustainable for the long term.)
Encouragement = preferred method.

Praise = External focus that often results in kids wanting to please mommy or daddy or other people besides him or herself. Such common culprits are "I'm so proud of you, Hannah" or "Wow, what a great job you did, Luke."

And what parent hasn't said that to her child? You read every parenting book and magazine and listen to every child psychologist who tells you that praising your child helps build him or her build self esteem. But the difference is that you are focused on how you feel as a parent about the child vs. how the child feels about their task or accomplishment. And it makes sense, it's an innate, human need to feel wanted and be recognized.

Encouragement = internally focused on the child and the child's feelings and his or her process of getting to the desired outcome.

Encouragement results in the child feeling and articulating how she feels about what she accomplished vs. having you the parent bestow your feelings and pride upon the child. This results in the child wanting to do this because it makes the child feel good, or it makes the child feel like she worked hard...vs. mommy being happy and proud about the task.

So what does encouragement look like?

Hannah was practicing writing her letters the other day and when she finished, she proudly showed me her paper with her crayon scribbled alphabet.

Me: Wow, Hannah, you wrote all your letters? How does that make you feel?

Hannah: (Expecting a praise statement from me and not getting it. Pause. Pause. Pause. Then all of a sudden...) Happy! It makes me feel happy. I wrote my letters! I did it myself.

Me: It's a nice feeling to work hard and get good results, huh?

Hannah: Yes, it makes me feel good.

Me: So, what did you learn?

Hannah: (Pause. Pause. Pause. Looks curiously at me since I've probably never asked her this question before because I typically praised her before I could ask her how she felt about the task...if I even did that!)
Well, I learned that if I keep trying, I will do good.


And with that, I learned and practiced a new parenting tactic, and hopefully Hannah learned a life lesson. It's not about trying to get praise and then stopping if you are not getting attention or not succeeding. It's about focusing on learnings and the process. It's about enabling them to recognize and find their own strength. And it's about giving them the tools to dig deep within themselves to cope and manage through issues and capitalize on opportunities.

Just like Tiger.

Encouragement vs. Praise.

BIG difference between the two. And probably a BIG difference in outcomes and self-esteem later on.

Who knows, really. But we won't know unless we try.