I *heart* Tiger.
Best. Athlete. Ever. Period.
And the best role model I've ever seen on mental toughness and internal drive to be the best he can be. For nobody else but himself.
WOW.
So what does this have to do with augmenting our parenting skill-set?
Well, we're taking a page out of the Earl Woods playbook. Earl Woods. You know, the father who raised, mentored and trained the greatest and most mentally tough golfer, the greatest athlete, to walk the face of this planet?
Many criticize and say that Earl was hard on Tiger and pushed him into the sport. But talk to Earl and he claims it was all coming from his little boy.
Many criticize and say that Earl was hard on Tiger and pushed him into the sport. But talk to Earl and he claims it was all coming from his little boy.
Have you seen the new Nike commercial (called "Never") where they show old clips of young Tiger in his early beginnings of greatness with the voiceover of his late father?
"You don't really instill anything in a child. You encourage the development of it. "
Those are the first few words uttered by the late Earl Woods in the 60 second commercial.Dave and I are taking a fantastic parenting class right now called Redirecting Children's Behavior. Last week's session was on praise vs. encouragement. And boy, did we learn that we were doing a few things, um, wrong.
Basically,
Praise = bad. (Well, not bad, really but not sustainable for the long term.)
Encouragement = preferred method.
Basically,
Praise = bad. (Well, not bad, really but not sustainable for the long term.)
Encouragement = preferred method.
Praise = External focus that often results in kids wanting to please mommy or daddy or other people besides him or herself. Such common culprits are "I'm so proud of you, Hannah" or "Wow, what a great job you did, Luke."
And what parent hasn't said that to her child? You read every parenting book and magazine and listen to every child psychologist who tells you that praising your child helps build him or her build self esteem. But the difference is that you are focused on how you feel as a parent about the child vs. how the child feels about their task or accomplishment. And it makes sense, it's an innate, human need to feel wanted and be recognized.
And what parent hasn't said that to her child? You read every parenting book and magazine and listen to every child psychologist who tells you that praising your child helps build him or her build self esteem. But the difference is that you are focused on how you feel as a parent about the child vs. how the child feels about their task or accomplishment. And it makes sense, it's an innate, human need to feel wanted and be recognized.
Encouragement = internally focused on the child and the child's feelings and his or her process of getting to the desired outcome.
Encouragement results in the child feeling and articulating how she feels about what she accomplished vs. having you the parent bestow your feelings and pride upon the child. This results in the child wanting to do this because it makes the child feel good, or it makes the child feel like she worked hard...vs. mommy being happy and proud about the task.
So what does encouragement look like?
Hannah was practicing writing her letters the other day and when she finished, she proudly showed me her paper with her crayon scribbled alphabet.
Me: Wow, Hannah, you wrote all your letters? How does that make you feel?
Hannah: (Expecting a praise statement from me and not getting it. Pause. Pause. Pause. Then all of a sudden...) Happy! It makes me feel happy. I wrote my letters! I did it myself.
Me: It's a nice feeling to work hard and get good results, huh?
Hannah: Yes, it makes me feel good.
Me: So, what did you learn?
Hannah: (Pause. Pause. Pause. Looks curiously at me since I've probably never asked her this question before because I typically praised her before I could ask her how she felt about the task...if I even did that!)
Well, I learned that if I keep trying, I will do good.
And with that, I learned and practiced a new parenting tactic, and hopefully Hannah learned a life lesson. It's not about trying to get praise and then stopping if you are not getting attention or not succeeding. It's about focusing on learnings and the process. It's about enabling them to recognize and find their own strength. And it's about giving them the tools to dig deep within themselves to cope and manage through issues and capitalize on opportunities.
Just like Tiger.
Encouragement vs. Praise.
Encouragement results in the child feeling and articulating how she feels about what she accomplished vs. having you the parent bestow your feelings and pride upon the child. This results in the child wanting to do this because it makes the child feel good, or it makes the child feel like she worked hard...vs. mommy being happy and proud about the task.
So what does encouragement look like?
Hannah was practicing writing her letters the other day and when she finished, she proudly showed me her paper with her crayon scribbled alphabet.
Me: Wow, Hannah, you wrote all your letters? How does that make you feel?
Hannah: (Expecting a praise statement from me and not getting it. Pause. Pause. Pause. Then all of a sudden...) Happy! It makes me feel happy. I wrote my letters! I did it myself.
Me: It's a nice feeling to work hard and get good results, huh?
Hannah: Yes, it makes me feel good.
Me: So, what did you learn?
Hannah: (Pause. Pause. Pause. Looks curiously at me since I've probably never asked her this question before because I typically praised her before I could ask her how she felt about the task...if I even did that!)
Well, I learned that if I keep trying, I will do good.
And with that, I learned and practiced a new parenting tactic, and hopefully Hannah learned a life lesson. It's not about trying to get praise and then stopping if you are not getting attention or not succeeding. It's about focusing on learnings and the process. It's about enabling them to recognize and find their own strength. And it's about giving them the tools to dig deep within themselves to cope and manage through issues and capitalize on opportunities.
Just like Tiger.
Encouragement vs. Praise.
BIG difference between the two. And probably a BIG difference in outcomes and self-esteem later on.
Who knows, really. But we won't know unless we try.
Who knows, really. But we won't know unless we try.
No comments:
Post a Comment