'xplainin the absence

busy, busy at work... management presentations galore.

family funeral last week in which i wrote the eulogy (more to come on this when i am repaired from this experience).

husband traveled this week, leaving me with kids all week long - along with a full plate at work. was pulling hair out.  four. days. straight.

i'll be back, just can't function enough to write a coherent blog post. 

am only capable of phrases and short snippets, a la Facebook statuses.

am depleted of energy but the old me shall return soon, thanks to my new found solace in yoga.

ooohhhhhmmmmm.

Dodging bullets like Neo...and prevailing

Remember the movie The Matrix?  

Well, I felt like Keanu Reaves's character "Neo" this week, dodging bullets in slow motion while the world around me kept moving at normal speed.

If I'm being vague, it's intentional.   You can probably guess why.

It's the economy, stupid, as Slick Willy used to say.

But, I'm hanging in there, like everyone else in the world right now.

Because we have to.

Bummed

I have been lucky the last couple of years to not travel as much as I did early my career when I was living the life of a airline mileage-racking, hotel points-collecting,  Admiral's Club-card-toting life of a jetsetter management consultant.

And as timing would have it, the couple of times I've traveled for work lately, either we were hard-pressed for extra hands to help with the kids or I was missing some event.

Well, this time I'm missing a big event - their annual Holiday Christmas pageant at preschool.

Yep, the one where they wear Santa or Rudolph or Snowmen costumes and sing holiday carols. Truly, video-recording-worthy moments.  This time, instead of just recording the pageant for posterity, it will also be so I can witness it second-hand since I will have to go deliver a biggie presentation to some biggie partner in-person, 2000 miles away from home on this day of all days.

And.

I'm bummed.

SO bummed.

But, I also recognize that it's necessary for me to carry out my responsibility for work and be there.  

Because I'm required.

So, while the other moms and dads will be there to listen and video-record and cheer on their kids as they belt out their holiday hymns, I will be sitting in a presentation in unnamed corporate giant's campus thinking about my kids as hey sing "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer."

Such is the reality of a working mom living the corporate life.  And I can't help but feel such guilt because I'm sure I'll be the only mom in both of their classes who won't be there because she's traveling and working.

(sigh.  thank goodness for daddy and for the grandparents.)

Why I haven't been blogging lately

Yeah, I know.  Excuses, excuses:

Kids and family.

Work, work, and more work.  (it's kicking my ass right now!)

Busy weekend schedule - birthday parties, travel, Lord knows what else. 

Obama campaign volunteering, with 14 days to go.

Did I mention work?

Internet surfing to satisfy my internal political junkie and obsession with this campaign.

Would. Rather. Sleep. 

(OMG, where the hell did October go?!)

Blog topics that I will attempt to cover in the near-term, time permitting:  

• Funny (and appalling!) stories from my campaign involvement (and the myriad 80 year olds I seem to have to call from my canvassing lists)
  
• Camping with the kiddos, Take 1 (or, how to avoid having your 3 year old twins whine all night  when sleeping in a tent in the great outdoors)
  
• Family reunion (I guess I now understand why we only seem to do this every couple of years)
  
• Birthday party planning (I can't believe my babies are  actually kids now!)
  

You see, I actually DO have a lot to say and share; there are just not enough hours in the day to write about them.  

Q4 is here

October 1 marks the beginning of what us calendar year fiscal year corporate folks call Q4.  So, no doubt, things are really, really busy.

For everyone else, it marks the beginning of the "holidays" which it seems starts earlier and earlier every year.   And with the holidays, comes the kids' birthday (along with the Star Wars-themed party I must plan along with it) - their 4th.

OMG.

Where did the year go?

And where did my babies go?

4 1/2 months old, April 2005

 

Almost 4 years old, September 2008

My 15 minutes of fame

About a year ago, one of my work colleagues asked me if I wanted to participate in a focus group for the new book we were developing (I work for a large media company, in case I haven't already mentioned that). The focus group participants would work and consult with a renowned New York City celebrity dermatologist-psychologist to help improve our skin, reduce our stress and help us achieve a more youthful looking appearance by doing a few simple things.    

In addition to other criteria for focus group participants, one of the participants they were seeking was a 30-something, busy woman (preferably a working mom who didn't have time to take care of herself) and if they could find one,  a token Asian (gee - sounds familiar!).   And I seemed to fit the bill for several of the criteria.

For free.   

To help out with a work project.  

With added bonus of potentially improving my then 35-year old sun-damaged, already-starting-to-age skin.   

PLUS, access to a renowned NYC dermatologist.   

Hmmmm... 

Well, as you can imagine, it didn't take too long for me to make a decision to be one of the sacrificial lambs for the writing of this book.  The purpose of the focus group was to go through Dr. Amy's treatment and eventually be featured in the book about reversing the physical aging that is caused by stress, lack of sleep, lack of hydration, you-name-it (basically, all of the bad habits that contribute to our physical appearance and skin - which is almost everything).

A few lifestyle changes (like more sleep, more date nights), lots of Shiseido 55 SPF sunscreen, Keihl's cleansing products, safflower oil and Neutrogena moisturizer and 2 tubes of Tretinoin retina cream later, my skin is smoother and a little more youthful because of Dr. Amy's treatment.

So now, voila!

Next week, the book launches.  And on pages 21-23, I am featured as what not-to-do (at least 12 months ago). Funny enough, it is quite a  pathetic read since it sounds like I do nothing but work, hang out with the family in spurts in the evenings and on weekends, and stay up late on the computer -- which, sadly, is not entirely untrue.  But I take solace in the fact that such is the life of a full-time working mom.

Thankfully, no photos of me.  Those were left on the Simon & Schuster editor's cutting room floor.

Tired.

TGIF.  What a week.

Between a kick-butt work week, the Olympics (watching, let's be clear), mothering and being a wife to my husband (barely), I just feel exhausted.  Like I don't have much to give, much less to myself.  

So when I sit here all by my lonesome, with everyone asleep, and the house still, what do I do?

I want to write.  Or sit.  Or muse and ponder.  

Or all of the above.

But I'm so beat I can barely keep my eyes open as I type.  

Why am I still writing?

So I can remember.

Remember that there are good weeks and bad weeks.  Remember that being a full-time working mom, or a MOM in general is not easy and can leave you depleted at the end of the day...at the end of the week...where even though you have the aspiration to catch that precious time that you've already spent away from the family all week, your real desire is to hole up and sit by yourself.  And think about nothing.  Or write about nothing...like I am doing now.  Or just be.

I sometimes forget what that's like - to just be.  And it's kind of nice.  

This is exactly why I blog.

The Empire (working mother guilt) Strikes Back

I came home tonight from work, only to get back on the computer an hour later to fire off some critical work e-mails before the evening settled in. 

So there I was sitting in our home office (mind you, after having spent 10 hours at my work office with no real break...including a 1 1/2 hour working lunch meeting) finishing up e-mails that needed to be sent for a big presentation on Monday.  For 45 minutes.

And there was Hannah, sitting in the home office with me for those 45 minutes, periodically coloring, watching me type e-mails on the computer, and basically trying to get my attention by asking me the same questions...to which I kept replying "Um..hmmm... yes, Hannah. Ten minutes, sweetie," etc.

Finally, she gave up.    Here's how it went down:

H:  What are you doing, mommy?  Are you on your e-mail?

Me: Yes, Hannah (continuing to look at my computer screen while typing away)...Just 10 minutes before you have my full attention.  (tap, tap, tap, tap. type, type, type, type...)

H: Why are you saying 10 minutes?  You said that 10 minutes ago.

Me: Oh yeah, you're right.  (Looking up from my typing.  Oops! Wow, only 3 1/2  - she catches on fast.)

H:  Mommy, do you like to spend time with me when you're at home?

Me:  (At this point, I stop typing all together and look her in the eye.  Oh goodness, here it -- GUILT-- goes again.)

Hannah, honey.  Of course I do.

H:  Then why are you typing e-mails?  You were at work all day during the daytime.  And now it's almost night time.  

Me:  Hannah, I need to do some things for work.  This is part of my responsibility.  I need to do this for my job.  And then after I'm done, you will have me 100%!

H:  (looking down.)

But you're  not looking at me when I talk to you.  

Me: Because I'm typing.  But when I'm done, we can talk all we want!  (I give her a big smile  and give her a bear hug.)

H: Uh...OK.   Can I just stay here in the office with you while you finish?  I just want to be here with you.

Me:  (feeling sad and guilty that I could not give her my undivided attention even after I've already left the physical work office...but haven't yet emotionally left the office)  Ok, honey.  If it makes you feel better to be here with me while I am on e-mail, then please feel free to stay.  I just can't pay full attention to you until I am done.  OK?

H: OK.  (she looks defeated and proceeds to color a Princess Leia coloring page I printed out for her)

(sigh, again)

And of course, two hours later, here I am in the same home office where I was previously sending out work e-mails.  

And now, I am blogging about my interaction with Hannah instead of spending pure quality time --interacting, talking and making solid eye contact with  her.  GEMS, or "genuine encounter moments" as my parenting class teacher in Redirecting Children's Behavior called them.   We need them to make deposits into the emotional bank account vs. what I am doing, which is probably a bunch of withdrawals.  

(At least they are on the floor 2 feet away from me coloring Princess Leia, Darth Vader, Luke Skywalker... and if it makes them feel close to me and is providing a deposit in the emotional bank account, well, then...it'll do.)

One week at a time.  And sometimes, I will have to take shortcuts.

Explaining career decisions to a 3 year old

My fellow work-away-from-the-home mom friends with older kids warned me this would happen soon enough.

Well, it's here and it's happened...or should I say, happening.

It went down like this...

***************************
Tonight, 9pm - Good night routine

Me: Good night my honeys...it's lights-out now. Mommy has to go downstairs and do some work for a little bit.

Luke: Are you leaving us?

Me: No, I'm going to be downstairs in the office.

Luke: In the home office?

Me: Yes, sweetheart, in the home office.

Luke: And will you be here in the daytime tomorrow?

(sigh)

Me: No, honey, mommy won't be in the home office tomorrow. I have to go to work and be in my work office tomorrow morning. But I'll be back in the afternoon and it will still be daytime. Hope that's OK.

Luke: But whyyyy, mommy? I want you to stay with us during the daytime in the morning. Mommy, we have a home office and you can work downstairs.

Me: Luke honey, I have to go in and be with my work colleagues to get some things done (yes, I used the word colleagues with my 3 year old and strangely, I think he understood).

Luke: But whyyyyy?

Me: Honey, I have responsibilities at work and have to get them done.

Luke: But what about Luke and Hannah?

(sigh)

Me: You and Hannah and daddy are the most important people in my life.   In addition to being your mommy, I work so that I can be a well-rounded and happy and overall better person, which also makes me a better mommy. 

Luke:  (Pause.  He looks at me quizzically.)

Me: (I should have shut up there and left it at that, but I kept going.) ...And I also work so that I can help daddy provide a great life for our family.   I hope you understand that.

Luke: (Pause)   

OK, are we still going to Disneyland next week when we go on vacation?

************************

No joke.

I can't believe I'm already explaining why I work to our 3-year-olds, and something tells me that this won't be the last time I have this discussion.   And if it makes them feel better to know that it helps pay for our vacations and enables us to go to Disneyland, then so be it.

But it still makes me sad.

I hope someday they understand.