Writing Exercise for the Soul

I found this writing exercise from a blog friend, Aaryn Belfer, who I also happen to have met through mutual friends in real life before I re-met her in the blogosphere.  (Go figure...Small world, indeed).  Anyway,  she has a blog I stalk on occasion.   She is also a brilliant photographer and staff writer for CityBeat here in San Diego.  

Anyway,  I really loved what this writing exercise illuminated about her, even though I barely know her.  I decided to do this for myself and post it here.  I know am putting myself out there by doing this, but it also feels strangely liberating.   And it makes me feel so damn self-aware.

If you read this and decide to do this as well, please let me know.  I would love, love, love to check it out.

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I live my life with purpose, but all too often with an eye toward the future instead of the present.  And I am all too aware of it.

I work to satisfy a need I have to do something more than be a wife, a mom, a...whatever.  And even though it takes away from precious family time on occasion, I need to be unapologetic about it.

I talk out loud to myself when I need to build up my confidence about something I need to say. Sometimes I think I'm crazy.

I wish that I didn't worry as much as I do as it's causing me not to live more in the moment.

I enjoy spending Saturday mornings  listening to my children play and interact with one another upstairs while my husband and I enjoy a coffee and reflect on our great life together, all the while our favorite iPod playlist is playing our life soundtrack in the background.

I look at my midsection every day and vow to get a tummy tuck...one of these days.

I smell my children's scent and deeply breathe in their aura every time I hug them.  Pure bliss.

I hide my insecurities from very few, but for the most part, I am an open book.

I pray when I run.  More like reflect.  Running provides a state of spirituality for me that I cannot find in any organized religious forum.

I walk only when I can't run.  Walking feels wimpy to me.

I sing at the top of my lungs in the car when I'm by myself.  Especially during American Idol season when I realize that anyone can be a rock star if they really wanted to set their mind to it.

I can do-it-all-dammit.  Or at least I try.    Just watch me, and maybe I'll even try harder.

I watch my husband interact with our children and am in awe of him and how patient and loving he is with them.   I really lucked out when I married him.  

I yearn to travel the world, live overseas and be an ex-pat, but realize that our life here could severely limit the prospect of doing so.  Which leads me to...

I daydream about being a contestant on the Amazing Race with my husband and seeing how it would potentially hurt or strengthen our marriage.  After all, it is our mutual love of travel and wanderlust that initially brought us together.  I also daydream (can I do another one??) of winning the lottery and what I would do with the money.  I wonder how it would change our lives, positively and negatively.  

I want (secretly) sometimes to keep up with the Joneses but then I catch myself doing it and then blow it off as a silly thought.

I cry at the drop of a hat, at the smallest things, and things that don't really warrant tears. Commercials, cheesy movies, even NCAA championships and Superbowl games.  Vaccination shots, kids' holiday pageants, you name it.

I read too little (in this post-babies era) and when I do I am embarrassed to tell people what I read because they consist of non-intelligent things.   Like Us magazine.  Or Lucky.   Or Perez Hilton.com.   Hey, I think political websites count as intelligent right?

I love my life but often wonder what other untapped potential there is waiting for me.

I wonder what is going on in my children's heads when I am conversing with them.

I touch my children's face and am in awe that there is still a whole lifetime of highs and lows that they have yet to experience.  And...

I hurt knowing that my children will at some point feel pain, sadness, guilt, inadequacy but that with the right coping skills that  we can help instill in them, they will be OK.

I fear dying and being abandoned, but I take solace in the fact that I attempt to live each day with purpose. 

I hope that the new president-elect does not disappoint.  The world's hopes lie in his ability to lead, especially after 8 years of virtually no leadership.

I eat out less often than I used to when I was single.  And when I do, it usually involves somewhere loud and a coloring book menu and crayons.

I break promises to my children sometimes when I bribe them.  When I see the look of disappointment in their faces, it breaks my heart and I think I'm a terrible mother.

I quit my unhealthy social smoking habit years ago, but I still sometimes crave a cigarette. Especially after a few glasses of wine.  Because it makes me feel like a bad-ass.

I bathe with my children in the shower and have come to really enjoy the typically mundane bath-time routine through their eyes.  Who knew that cups and bath paints could entertain so much?

I drink too much caffeine and alcohol and too little water.

I save like I am an immigrant who is hording cash to send back to the family in the motherland. Perhaps because that is what my parents did when I was growing up?

I hug my children's little bodies and savor their petite size now, knowing that hugs will come fewer and far between in several years.

 

I miss the giddiness I used to feel when I first met my husband and yearn for that giddiness on those many days in recent years when I feel as if we are two ships passing in the night.  And I wonder if all marriages follow this pattern and realize I am not alone.

I forgive my father, who has hurt me too many times during the most important events of my life.  I now realize that he has always been an attention-seeker and this was his way of satisfying this need.

I've learned that marriage is an unnatural act.  Putting two people together for the rest of their lives just goes against basic human instincts.  This is why marriage takes work.  And if you have found the right person it makes all the work worth it.

I have wonderful girlfriends who keep me grounded and in check, when my husband can't.

I don't have to do anything I don't want, but sometimes I do out of a sense of responsibility and obligation, because that's how I was raised.

I kiss my kids every night and stare at them as they sleep.  I love that peace I feel when I look at my slumbering children (as opposed to when they are awake and jumping on me).

I wonder if I've learned anything new about myself going through this exercise...

Bummed

I have been lucky the last couple of years to not travel as much as I did early my career when I was living the life of a airline mileage-racking, hotel points-collecting,  Admiral's Club-card-toting life of a jetsetter management consultant.

And as timing would have it, the couple of times I've traveled for work lately, either we were hard-pressed for extra hands to help with the kids or I was missing some event.

Well, this time I'm missing a big event - their annual Holiday Christmas pageant at preschool.

Yep, the one where they wear Santa or Rudolph or Snowmen costumes and sing holiday carols. Truly, video-recording-worthy moments.  This time, instead of just recording the pageant for posterity, it will also be so I can witness it second-hand since I will have to go deliver a biggie presentation to some biggie partner in-person, 2000 miles away from home on this day of all days.

And.

I'm bummed.

SO bummed.

But, I also recognize that it's necessary for me to carry out my responsibility for work and be there.  

Because I'm required.

So, while the other moms and dads will be there to listen and video-record and cheer on their kids as they belt out their holiday hymns, I will be sitting in a presentation in unnamed corporate giant's campus thinking about my kids as hey sing "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer."

Such is the reality of a working mom living the corporate life.  And I can't help but feel such guilt because I'm sure I'll be the only mom in both of their classes who won't be there because she's traveling and working.

(sigh.  thank goodness for daddy and for the grandparents.)

Ever feel like you're running on a treadmill...

...and not sure how much further you have to go?

That's how I feel right now, and have been feeling for a few weeks.

Am trying to get it together.

This working mom stuff and my aspirational attempts to do-it-all is breaking me.

Thank goodness for my kids and husband, who put it all in perspective. That's what really matters in times of general stress and busy-ness.

Fear and loathing in America

There was a lot of hullaballoo this week about the recent McCain/Palin rallies and all of the fear and loathing that these candidates have incited at these events.

"Arab!"     "Terrorist!"      "Kill Him!"  

Basically, it was everything short of calling the man a N -----, which, I have no doubt, was  being privately harbored or said under one's breath by many.

I've watched endless news and YouTube videos this week of these rallies.  And I took heed of the audience's background comments as Palin made insinuations of Obama's dangerousness and terrorist associations.  Not surprisingly, I  became more and more appalled, and more and more saddened by what I was seeing.  

And then, I got bitter.  So bitter that I became almost obsessed about this turn of events this week, wondering how this incitement of fear and loathing would impact the polls and the tide of the election.   And more importantly, I wondered what types of deep-rooted, downright ugly sentiments would surface from the American electorate when stoked by others...in this case, pitbull Palin.

It harkened me back to a time when I was an awkward teenager living in Charlotte, North Carolina, just having moved from the cultural melting-pot of Northern California.   My bitterness was rooted in a seminal event from my youth: when I had first heard racial slurs directed at me from some ignorant teenagers at a Burger King drive-thru.  

"Chink!  Go back to your own country!"  

they yelled with a North Carolina southern twang.

Needless to say, I was shocked.  And angry.   And I told myself that these people were ignorant, stupid fools.  (By the way, there are very nice people in the state of North Carolina...I just happened to run into some unfortunate ones that night).

"There are other countries besides China in the continent of Asia.  These dumbasses think that every Asian is Chinese.   How stupid!  They probably can't even name other Asian countries on the map!"  

This is what I justified to myself as a 1st generation Filipino who had just been called a chink.  And after this,  I vowed to myself that when I grew up I was never going to live in a non-socially progressive place again  - I did not want my children to ever experience this kind of disdain and disrespect (little did I know how naive that thinking was).  

So back to the events of this week.  

I wondered who these people at these rallies are.  Are they the sons and daughters of small-town U.S.A.??  Of bumblef&ck hicksville??  It also made me wonder - are there many closeted, narrow-minded people here in my own backyard of the so-called socially progressive, culturally-tolerant state of California??  

Who are these people making these awful comments and where the hell did they come from?! 

And sadly, these were my angry thoughts as I tried to rationalize what I was seeing:

They are certainly not people that I dare associate with.  

Nor will we ever be cut from the same cloth.  

Because I am more educated and open-minded than these people.  (yeah, yeah, call me an elitist)

And they are just a bunch of...retards.

But then I realized, and a fellow socially-progressive friend (thanks, M!) reminded me:  mocking and making fun of these people does not advance our cause; it only serves to fuel the fire and further polarize Americans into the elitists and non-elitists, the progressives and the conservatives, the free-thinkers and the narrow-minded, the well-informed and the ignorant.

And today, McCain attempted to tame the flame that his campaign had started, whether they intended to do this or not.  Unfortunately, this flame may turn into a fire that will continue to burn, if not on the surface then in the closets and basements...and nothing can be done to put it out.  This ugliness is what scares me the most -- for our generation and for our children's generation.  

So, now, I must have patience.  Patience that America will come through.  Patience that some good will come out of this.   Patience that the dark days we Americans are feeling are almost behind us.  Patience that the hope I continue to feel is palpable and real and is practically within our reach.

And I must continue to have tolerance that not everyone sees the world as I do.  And that there is still some ugliness that exists in this world.  In this country.  And probably even in my own socially progressive backyard here in the state of California.

Patience and tolerance does not come easy for this working mom of twins, but for the sake of my sanity over the next 25 days left in this campaign, I will certainly try.