Blog guilt (Or, random musings and justification of how I spend my free time these days)

Where did the month go? 

The election happened; my candidate won.

Work continued to happen, and happen, and happen...with seemingly no end. (not that I am complaining...believe me, I'm just happy to have a job in these fragile economic times.)

The kids are getting closer to 4 years old with every passing day.

And now they are playing holiday music where ever I go.

Gyeeesh.  I know Q4 would fly but this is so ridiculous.

And.  I've been feeling guilty lately that I haven't been blogging.  After all, this is supposed to be my love letter to my kids, and my chronicle of our lives at this crazy, insane time in our lives. But I haven't been blogging.  And it's not that I don't have anything to blog about. 

I have plenty.

It's just that life is so....

Busy.  

Crazy.

Rushed.

That I don't have time to collect myself and my thoughts and write something semi-coherent and meaningful.

And when I do have that extra time these days, I choose to have a massage.  Or do some retail therapy (or window shopping, in this economy).  Or get my nails done. Or have a date with my husband.  Or grab drinks with the girls.   Since I barely have time for myself anymore - outside of parenting, working, wifing, etc.  And the last thing I want to do with any down time is sit in front of a computer when I've been sitting in front of one all damn day for work.

I keep thinking that things will slow down.

And maybe I should accept that they won't and that such is life and such is the pace where I am - WE ARE - in our lives right now.

For now, I will post a few of my favorite, recent photos of the kids that we recently took for our annual family beach photo shoot.  I'm also posting these because I've noticed lately that my last several posts have no photos (and this is why I started this whole thing to begin with - to chronicle our lives right now!)

These photos makes me smile.  And it reminds me that all of the craziness I feel at times (ok, probably most of the time) is ALL worth it.

Tired.

TGIF.  What a week.

Between a kick-butt work week, the Olympics (watching, let's be clear), mothering and being a wife to my husband (barely), I just feel exhausted.  Like I don't have much to give, much less to myself.  

So when I sit here all by my lonesome, with everyone asleep, and the house still, what do I do?

I want to write.  Or sit.  Or muse and ponder.  

Or all of the above.

But I'm so beat I can barely keep my eyes open as I type.  

Why am I still writing?

So I can remember.

Remember that there are good weeks and bad weeks.  Remember that being a full-time working mom, or a MOM in general is not easy and can leave you depleted at the end of the day...at the end of the week...where even though you have the aspiration to catch that precious time that you've already spent away from the family all week, your real desire is to hole up and sit by yourself.  And think about nothing.  Or write about nothing...like I am doing now.  Or just be.

I sometimes forget what that's like - to just be.  And it's kind of nice.  

This is exactly why I blog.

The Empire (working mother guilt) Strikes Back

I came home tonight from work, only to get back on the computer an hour later to fire off some critical work e-mails before the evening settled in. 

So there I was sitting in our home office (mind you, after having spent 10 hours at my work office with no real break...including a 1 1/2 hour working lunch meeting) finishing up e-mails that needed to be sent for a big presentation on Monday.  For 45 minutes.

And there was Hannah, sitting in the home office with me for those 45 minutes, periodically coloring, watching me type e-mails on the computer, and basically trying to get my attention by asking me the same questions...to which I kept replying "Um..hmmm... yes, Hannah. Ten minutes, sweetie," etc.

Finally, she gave up.    Here's how it went down:

H:  What are you doing, mommy?  Are you on your e-mail?

Me: Yes, Hannah (continuing to look at my computer screen while typing away)...Just 10 minutes before you have my full attention.  (tap, tap, tap, tap. type, type, type, type...)

H: Why are you saying 10 minutes?  You said that 10 minutes ago.

Me: Oh yeah, you're right.  (Looking up from my typing.  Oops! Wow, only 3 1/2  - she catches on fast.)

H:  Mommy, do you like to spend time with me when you're at home?

Me:  (At this point, I stop typing all together and look her in the eye.  Oh goodness, here it -- GUILT-- goes again.)

Hannah, honey.  Of course I do.

H:  Then why are you typing e-mails?  You were at work all day during the daytime.  And now it's almost night time.  

Me:  Hannah, I need to do some things for work.  This is part of my responsibility.  I need to do this for my job.  And then after I'm done, you will have me 100%!

H:  (looking down.)

But you're  not looking at me when I talk to you.  

Me: Because I'm typing.  But when I'm done, we can talk all we want!  (I give her a big smile  and give her a bear hug.)

H: Uh...OK.   Can I just stay here in the office with you while you finish?  I just want to be here with you.

Me:  (feeling sad and guilty that I could not give her my undivided attention even after I've already left the physical work office...but haven't yet emotionally left the office)  Ok, honey.  If it makes you feel better to be here with me while I am on e-mail, then please feel free to stay.  I just can't pay full attention to you until I am done.  OK?

H: OK.  (she looks defeated and proceeds to color a Princess Leia coloring page I printed out for her)

(sigh, again)

And of course, two hours later, here I am in the same home office where I was previously sending out work e-mails.  

And now, I am blogging about my interaction with Hannah instead of spending pure quality time --interacting, talking and making solid eye contact with  her.  GEMS, or "genuine encounter moments" as my parenting class teacher in Redirecting Children's Behavior called them.   We need them to make deposits into the emotional bank account vs. what I am doing, which is probably a bunch of withdrawals.  

(At least they are on the floor 2 feet away from me coloring Princess Leia, Darth Vader, Luke Skywalker... and if it makes them feel close to me and is providing a deposit in the emotional bank account, well, then...it'll do.)

One week at a time.  And sometimes, I will have to take shortcuts.

T minus 1 day until...

...this race.

Oh well, I guess you never really feel ready. But I will run it no matter what.
Forget my goal of doing this race under 2 hours. I just want to finish.

I just hope staying up late every night to watch the Olympics doesn't catch up with me for this run. I will certainly need the energy!

This week at work and with my new non-profit foundation was a bitch and a half. And then pile this race on top of the super-busy week, and I have an unrelaxing weekend since I will be consumed by it, at least until 9am Sunday when it will be done and over with.

And then afterwards I will go to a spa and get a massage and get a pedicure. I will think those happy thoughts as I trudge through serene Point Loma, the beautiful harbor downtown and then through idyllic Balboa Park - all 13.1 miles of it.

Explaining career decisions to a 3 year old

My fellow work-away-from-the-home mom friends with older kids warned me this would happen soon enough.

Well, it's here and it's happened...or should I say, happening.

It went down like this...

***************************
Tonight, 9pm - Good night routine

Me: Good night my honeys...it's lights-out now. Mommy has to go downstairs and do some work for a little bit.

Luke: Are you leaving us?

Me: No, I'm going to be downstairs in the office.

Luke: In the home office?

Me: Yes, sweetheart, in the home office.

Luke: And will you be here in the daytime tomorrow?

(sigh)

Me: No, honey, mommy won't be in the home office tomorrow. I have to go to work and be in my work office tomorrow morning. But I'll be back in the afternoon and it will still be daytime. Hope that's OK.

Luke: But whyyyy, mommy? I want you to stay with us during the daytime in the morning. Mommy, we have a home office and you can work downstairs.

Me: Luke honey, I have to go in and be with my work colleagues to get some things done (yes, I used the word colleagues with my 3 year old and strangely, I think he understood).

Luke: But whyyyyy?

Me: Honey, I have responsibilities at work and have to get them done.

Luke: But what about Luke and Hannah?

(sigh)

Me: You and Hannah and daddy are the most important people in my life.   In addition to being your mommy, I work so that I can be a well-rounded and happy and overall better person, which also makes me a better mommy. 

Luke:  (Pause.  He looks at me quizzically.)

Me: (I should have shut up there and left it at that, but I kept going.) ...And I also work so that I can help daddy provide a great life for our family.   I hope you understand that.

Luke: (Pause)   

OK, are we still going to Disneyland next week when we go on vacation?

************************

No joke.

I can't believe I'm already explaining why I work to our 3-year-olds, and something tells me that this won't be the last time I have this discussion.   And if it makes them feel better to know that it helps pay for our vacations and enables us to go to Disneyland, then so be it.

But it still makes me sad.

I hope someday they understand.

Bunko is the new Bridge

I have a pastime once a month and it is one of the few non-family, non-husband related extracurricular activities that I actually look forward to doing.

Bunko.

It's what bridge and mahjong used to be for my mom when I was growing up in the 70's - a time for busy moms to get together away from their husbands, the kids...reality, time to not have to think and take care of someone else, and time to just be YOU and be girly again.

But girly with a twist - a motherly, I-have-responsibilities-and-am-getting-a-hall-pass-just-for-tonight twist.

For many women, it's their one big getaway for the month. For me, it provides an outlet to rediscover my former self -- my pre-marriage, pre-babies self. It takes me back to the old days when I was single and had all the time in the world to spend with girlfriends having the typical, estrogen-filled discussions over the same tried but true topics:
Men.
Relationships.
Careers.
The glass ceiling.
Sex.
Shopping.
The latest collection of Tom Ford shades at Bloomingdale's.

And today, years (and weddings, and several pregnancies) later, it's a different group of ladies but we women still discuss the same topics, but with a new, slightly different filter.  (Add kids to the topic list!)

Rather than talking about THE ONE and what type of weddings we'd plan, we now talk about the importance of date nights and maintaining some semblance of a romantic relationship with our spouses.

Rather than trying to figure out men and the meaning of their every move like we did before, we recognize and accept that our husbands are pretty transparent -- what you see is what you get -- and we compare stories and learn that we are not the only ones who have to deal with not-involved-enough partners or too-involved-partners or semi-anti-social-partners (I'm not saying that Dave is any one of these people, by the way).

Rather than discuss our male hook-up escapades and compare tactics, we still talk about tactics, and we discover and learn new ways to make things more um,  interesting with our spouses in the bedroom when our everyday existence becomes mundane.  And sex becomes an event reserved only for adding to our brood (think: Bunko Challenge...ask me if you are ever interested.)

Rather than talking about graduate schools and the GMATs or GREs to advance our knowledge,
we still debate the merits of school - preschool, that is - comparing one over the other, and we list the benefits and drawbacks of private vs. public school education. Our knowledge swap consists of parenting tips and tactics. From potty training tips for #2. To redirecting power-addicted 3-year olds. To tips for raising our little girls into strong women. To coping with sleep deprivation. To handling our toddlers when when another one is on the way.

Rather than talking about that great deal on a new pair of designer jeans we got at Loehmann's, we ... oh we still do that.

And rather than talking about that next promotion or career step and making more money, we now talk about our work as "jobs", whether they are in the home, outside the home, or whatever or wherever each individual life calling takes us. We swap ideas and inquisitively discuss how to morph our "jobs" into passions that can help us do a better job balancing family life and the need to do something just for ourselves.

And we wonder and look in awe at the women around us and we ask ourselves how they manage to do it. And we feel better because we know we are not alone, and we have a wonderful network of women who can support us just because they listen, and understand.

(All of this while we role the dice and sip Merlot.)

Overextended

I royally messed up the planning of my twins' end-of-preschool-year class party this weekend.

Why?

Because I'm overextended, and as a result I was disorganized.
And I have so much going on right now that I don't know my head from my ass.

Dave reminded me that this screw-up is a sign I am taking on too much right now. Between the demanding nature of my job, being a mom, taking a parenting class, training for a half marathon, extra-curriculars and non-profit work, our busy summer social calendar, preschool class party-planning, and oh yes, blogging, way too much. Oy. With all of this juggling, I was bound to mess something up at some point.

And the sad thing is that I had planned this way in advance.

I put the sign-up sheet for potluck and RSVP on the parent's board up um, a month ago.

And I had carefully planned the potluck sign-up menu so that we had a good balance of the food pyramid for both preschoolers (protein, bread products, fruit, veggies, dairy and juice boxes) and parents (same food as preschoolers + beer).

Then I took down the sign-up sheet so I could create another fun poster on the board to remind the parents of the party. I was feeling oh, so momsy and involved and proud that I could be such the pre-school party planner given my full plate.
I really felt like I could do it all, dammit.

And then, in my state of busy-ness and chaos last week, I lost the damn sign-up sheet.
But all was not lost - I asked their teachers to put up a reminder sign. Problem solved (or so I thought).

It gets worse. I guess on the original sign up sheet (that no one seemed to have a copy of, except the one I lost), I wrote down the right day (Saturday), but the wrong date (Sunday's date). And of course, the teachers wrote down the wrong date on the reminder, my wrong date, but the right one as far as they were concerned.

So guess who got to call every one of the parents today tell them about the screw-up, my screw-up with the dates? Yup, me.

The good news is that I caught about 2/3 of the class and told them about the date of the party, and that most of them can come.

Oy.

How much is too much?

Last week I signed up for this half marathon.  

To top it off, I signed up with about 5 of my co-workers, one of whom is a regular running partner.   So now this means I'm totally committed.  No backing out now.  

It's my second half race this year, after the Carlsbad race I did in January.

All of this said,  I must admit -- a small part of me is disappointed in myself for not doing the La Jolla Half in April.  I would have had a cool medal come August and bragging rights of having run the Triple Crown.  Of course, damn work got in the way.  And other more important priorities, like spending time with the twins and Dave.

But how much else can I do with everything I have going on?!  I guess I need to set limits for myself too or I'll probably make myself insane.