The sisterhood of the traveling pant(suits)

I have a cool group of Bunko chicas I've been hanging with this year. And while many of them are very similar to me personality-wise, others are not. But we do all have one thing in common: we are all mommies who are trying to do/have/balance-it-all, dammit.

Lately, our adventures and get-togethers have extended beyond our once a month girls-night-in playing Bunko. And many of them have become my friends.

We now go to each others' kids' birthday extravaganzas.

We attend each others' own birthday dinners.

We throw each other baby showers for #2 (or #3).

We support each others' fundraisers.

We sneak away during weekend errands to get manis and pedis together.

We get together in the guise of creating farm-fresh, organic meals for our families at those big-ass dinner-packaging places when we are really just looking for an excuse to have a glass of wine with our girlfriends during the week.

We support each other when getting botox and lipo...(oh, sorry, wrong mom's club...that's in Orange County)

We even walk 5ks, train for and run half marathons together.

And so, it's opened up a whole new social circle for me: the world of Southern California suburban super-mommies. They are MY sisterhood of the traveling pantsuits.

It's a world I always knew existed but never thought I would be a part of, at least 4 years ago when I started this adventure called parenting. And here I am in the thick of it...and I love it.

But lately, my husband has been complaining.

He thinks all of these social events weekend-in and weekend-out is just too much. And that it's taking away from us. The family. Even when a lot of our activities with the sisterhood of the traveling pantsuits involve the family (outside of Bunko of course).

So why is he still bitching about it?

I am hypothesizing it's because he is slightly jealous that I've developed a bond with these ladies that he hasn't replicated with guy friends since we've lived here. I'm also conjecturing that he does not like to have his social plans almost exclusively scheduled by me. But of course, he would never admit that to me.

Or is it because, at a fundamental level, he does not understand that women need other good female friends, that they feed off each other and rely so heavily upon the female bonds we make to feel normal and semi-validated?

And that the time we spend with other women vindicates all of the seemingly crazy emotions we feel as moms-trying-to-balance-it-all-dammit. And that all of this is just par for the course of attempting to be a super-mom, a super-woman in this day, in this age, in our situations?

Well, I don't know that he will ever really understand, but I guess that's why I rely on my sisterhood.

Overheard at a Twin Mom's Night Out

I recently attended a Mom's Night Out for a non-profit twin mom's support group I've been involved with the last few years.  There were quite a few amusing conversations I either participated in or overheard:

Regarding being a twin mom, in general:

Five-months-along-pregnant-with-twins-mom: "I'm due in December" (she said as she proudly rubbed her tummy) "These guys are my IVF babies."

Me: "Oh, yes, there are plenty of us here. Although for me, it ran on both sides of the family, but of course, no one ever assumes that."

Other twin mom: "Yeah.  I'm so surprised how many people have asked me whether they are natural.    That's none of their business!  Nonetheless, why is it that people just assume you're on fertility pills if you have twins?!"

Yet another twin mom: "Uh, hello -- Hollywood?!   Angelina.  JLo.  Julia.  Marcia Cross.  John and Kate + 8."

Regarding schooling and moving them forward or holding them back for kindergarten:

Twin mom:  "I have a boy and a girl, and because of my boy, I'm definitely holding them back a year to start kindergarten.

Another twin mom:  "Oh yes, my boy is the reason I'm going to hold them back, too.  My daughter runs circles around him."

(By the way, no disrespect to boys or anything, but only moms of boy/girl twins would ever notice these things!)

Yet another twin mom: "Well, I know of someone who separated her twins into different class years.  And it was BAD.  The kid in the younger class always referred to his twin in the older class as 'my smart sister.' "

Twin mom:  "How sad.  I'm never separating them."

Regarding the very popular Redirecting Children's Behavior (RCB) class we took with Susie Walton:

Twin mom:  "No one understands how impactful this class was for us.  Everyone thinks I'm crazy when I parent my kids.  They think I'm too permissive."

Me: "Yeah, but the reality is that we are just more relaxed because we now have the tools to address all the issues we face our kids."

Twin mom:  "I feel like Susie is just one big gift, and we learned her secrets.  And we want everyone to know about it.  But now everyone thinks we're nuts."

Regarding getting out with us couples while the (grand) parents are in town:

Twin mom: "OK, my folks are in town for 2 weeks.  Let's plan an outing, all 6 of us."

Me: "Yeah, we need to get this in, otherwise we will NEVER get out again until the next time the grandparents are back.  They are too much to handle for one person right now (in reference to our 3 1/2 year old twins)."

Regarding working full time and parenting twins:

Stay-at-home Twin mom: "I just don't know how working moms can do it."

Full-time-work-outside-the-home twin mom: "It's quite simple.  I have twins.  Working full time makes me sane.  Adult interaction is good."

Regarding random stuff:

Me: "So when's the next botox party?"

Twin mom friend: "Oh, when my mom comes back in town!  I'll call you can we'll get together and take some shots."

Peace out.

Bunko is the new Bridge

I have a pastime once a month and it is one of the few non-family, non-husband related extracurricular activities that I actually look forward to doing.

Bunko.

It's what bridge and mahjong used to be for my mom when I was growing up in the 70's - a time for busy moms to get together away from their husbands, the kids...reality, time to not have to think and take care of someone else, and time to just be YOU and be girly again.

But girly with a twist - a motherly, I-have-responsibilities-and-am-getting-a-hall-pass-just-for-tonight twist.

For many women, it's their one big getaway for the month. For me, it provides an outlet to rediscover my former self -- my pre-marriage, pre-babies self. It takes me back to the old days when I was single and had all the time in the world to spend with girlfriends having the typical, estrogen-filled discussions over the same tried but true topics:
Men.
Relationships.
Careers.
The glass ceiling.
Sex.
Shopping.
The latest collection of Tom Ford shades at Bloomingdale's.

And today, years (and weddings, and several pregnancies) later, it's a different group of ladies but we women still discuss the same topics, but with a new, slightly different filter.  (Add kids to the topic list!)

Rather than talking about THE ONE and what type of weddings we'd plan, we now talk about the importance of date nights and maintaining some semblance of a romantic relationship with our spouses.

Rather than trying to figure out men and the meaning of their every move like we did before, we recognize and accept that our husbands are pretty transparent -- what you see is what you get -- and we compare stories and learn that we are not the only ones who have to deal with not-involved-enough partners or too-involved-partners or semi-anti-social-partners (I'm not saying that Dave is any one of these people, by the way).

Rather than discuss our male hook-up escapades and compare tactics, we still talk about tactics, and we discover and learn new ways to make things more um,  interesting with our spouses in the bedroom when our everyday existence becomes mundane.  And sex becomes an event reserved only for adding to our brood (think: Bunko Challenge...ask me if you are ever interested.)

Rather than talking about graduate schools and the GMATs or GREs to advance our knowledge,
we still debate the merits of school - preschool, that is - comparing one over the other, and we list the benefits and drawbacks of private vs. public school education. Our knowledge swap consists of parenting tips and tactics. From potty training tips for #2. To redirecting power-addicted 3-year olds. To tips for raising our little girls into strong women. To coping with sleep deprivation. To handling our toddlers when when another one is on the way.

Rather than talking about that great deal on a new pair of designer jeans we got at Loehmann's, we ... oh we still do that.

And rather than talking about that next promotion or career step and making more money, we now talk about our work as "jobs", whether they are in the home, outside the home, or whatever or wherever each individual life calling takes us. We swap ideas and inquisitively discuss how to morph our "jobs" into passions that can help us do a better job balancing family life and the need to do something just for ourselves.

And we wonder and look in awe at the women around us and we ask ourselves how they manage to do it. And we feel better because we know we are not alone, and we have a wonderful network of women who can support us just because they listen, and understand.

(All of this while we role the dice and sip Merlot.)

Channeling Charlanda (Charlotte & Miranda)

Like most women in America these days, I will be attending a Sex and the City happy hour and theater viewing with about 20 fun women this weekend. Many of these women are very similar to me...30-something, mostly work-outside-the-home moms, living in San Diego suburbia, trying to balance it all, and also trying to retain a sense of their former selves.

We're supposed to dress like the SATC character most like us.

So that got me thinking.

And I think I'll dress up like Charlanda.

(That would be the Charlotte York and Miranda Hobbes hybrid.)

As I recall from SATC, Charlotte was the feminine and proper, Park Avenue-bred, liberal-arts major from an Ivy who was almost Bree-like (from Desperate Housewives) in terms of her domain expertise on all things Miss Manners and etiquette and planning. But she also had a little crazy streak in her, while still putting on an innocent and proper facade. Charlotte was idealistic and believed in true love. And like many women, she had a crystal-clear vision for herself in terms of who should thought she would be - and that was to be married and to have kids. But the reality didn't always meet the fantasy, yet she was always the optimist.

Then there was Miranda. She was the tough, straight-shooting, down-to-earth, cynical attorney
who was self-assured and proud of her achievements, yet still vulnerable enough that it showed in her self-deprecating humor. She raised the bar for herself continually, be it in her professional or personal life. And ironically enough, she ended up marrying her unlikely match - a guy who did not totally equal her in terms of ambition and focus, but who was her strength and support. Oh, and she's also a mom trying to balance her career with the trials and tribulations of parenting a toddler.

Then of course there's Carrie and Samantha. Both so NOT me. (Although, I am an aspiring Carrie in terms of style-sense...but who isn't?!)

So what does a Charlanda look like?

I'll let you know what I come up with for my get-up this weekend.

(Thanks to my hubby for yet another hall pass this week! I love you, honey.)