2008 in review (Or, what has inspired me this year)

These little guys (in 2005)...

...Who are now this big.

And him, my life partner, who is my source of balance and strength every day.

Quality time together as a family...whether on vacation or around the holiday table or simple, everyday things, like hanging out in our pajamas at home (or in this case, at a campground).

This awe-inspiring victory, and what it has meant for me, our children and the potential we can reach together...reminding me just how far we have come. 

The wonderful company of female friends who are trying-to-balance-it-all-dammit. And who can also relate to this stressful, crazy, but blissful time in our lives parenting little ones.

Believing in magic, and viewing the world with the hope and wonderment that my children see with every little thing that most adults take for granted.

The beauty of children in general, and what I learn from them each day...especially the lesson about being carefree and unapologetic about anything.

Bummed

I have been lucky the last couple of years to not travel as much as I did early my career when I was living the life of a airline mileage-racking, hotel points-collecting,  Admiral's Club-card-toting life of a jetsetter management consultant.

And as timing would have it, the couple of times I've traveled for work lately, either we were hard-pressed for extra hands to help with the kids or I was missing some event.

Well, this time I'm missing a big event - their annual Holiday Christmas pageant at preschool.

Yep, the one where they wear Santa or Rudolph or Snowmen costumes and sing holiday carols. Truly, video-recording-worthy moments.  This time, instead of just recording the pageant for posterity, it will also be so I can witness it second-hand since I will have to go deliver a biggie presentation to some biggie partner in-person, 2000 miles away from home on this day of all days.

And.

I'm bummed.

SO bummed.

But, I also recognize that it's necessary for me to carry out my responsibility for work and be there.  

Because I'm required.

So, while the other moms and dads will be there to listen and video-record and cheer on their kids as they belt out their holiday hymns, I will be sitting in a presentation in unnamed corporate giant's campus thinking about my kids as hey sing "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer."

Such is the reality of a working mom living the corporate life.  And I can't help but feel such guilt because I'm sure I'll be the only mom in both of their classes who won't be there because she's traveling and working.

(sigh.  thank goodness for daddy and for the grandparents.)

Letter to my Lu-Lu

My Dearest Lu-Lu,

You are my youngest child by one minute and you are now as old as the number of years I spent in college.   My, how time flies.

All too often, your daddy and I have referred to you and your twin sister as a unit. After all, you were conceived together, you lived in my belly and subsisted on my nutrients together, you were born together and have cribbed together. And now, 4 years later, not only do you school together but you are each other's 24/7 playmates. So unique is your relationship with your twin sister that I hope you cherish what you have...it is a bond unlike any other.

Despite all of this, please know that we've always recognized you and your sister as two very unique, lovely individuals who bring such different aspects of delight to our lives.

And, like my letter to your sister, I wanted to write you a letter so that you know who you are but also, and most importantly, so you understand what and how much you mean to me during this crazy, hectic, beautiful time in our lives.

If Hannah is the cat, you definitely personify the loyal puppy dog: you are warm, loyal, welcoming, perennially energetic, charming.  I love it when you run to me after a long day at work and knock me down with your enthusiastic, vigorous, signature Luke-hugs. You have one of the most warm, loving hearts I have ever seen.

There are many sides to you, Luke but at it's core, you are an open book.  On   one hand you are analytical, methodical in your approach to solving problems, organized.  On the other hand, you are a free-spirit and love to go where the wind blows.  You love to be the center of attention;  you are often the life of the party.  You invite people to participate in your world by constantly engaging others around you, including your not-so-gregarious sister.   You love to sing at the top of your lungs.   You love to dance.   You jump up and down when you get excited and scream, "Hurray!"  You are like the Energizer bunny and keep going and going and going... constantly in motion.   You are not easily embarrassed and are completely unapologetic of who you are and what you are doing.  I so admire this quality in you and am in awe of you every day.

You wear your heart on your sleeve, always - whether you are ecstatic or sad, angry or surprised.  You are a quick study.    Your self-awareness and emotional IQ in relating to others constantly amazes me; I only hope you sustain this awareness as you get older...it's a good trait to have.

And perhaps because of your self-awareness, you are able to project this awareness in how you interact with others around you.  You are a sensitive little boy - you are easily amused, but at the same time, you readily get angry or frustrated.    And sometimes this anger and frustration is manifested in playing control games with your daddy and I.  A favorite of yours is to "reset" and start over at the point the affliction was made.  You don't easily let things go; you often want to go back and start over  before you can move forward.   And like Hannah, you picked up a trait (or two...or three) of mine that I am not proud of  and that I am aware I need to change.   I only hope you can cultivate those coping skills as you grow older.

As your mother, I am so aware of your capability to charm and break hearts in the not-so-distant future.    In fact, you already have a following in our neighborhood.  :)   I am sensitive to raise you into responsible young man who is respectful of women and what we bring to the table.  And the only way I can best do this is by role modeling behavior of a woman, a mother, a wife who leads a balanced life.  I am hoping you pay careful attention to the woman who is raising you (and of course, your daddy too).

I love that you are not afraid to show me how you feel about me every day, whether it's jumping on my back and giving me a Luke-hug from behind, or slopping on one of your big wet kisses on my nose.    I especially love when you look into my eyes and tell me "I love you, mommy" and tell me I am beautiful.    What mom doesn't find her son saying such things music to her ears?

You are truly momma's little boy and are one of the biggest delights of my life.

If I were 4 years old again I would want to marry you.

Letter to my mini-me at 4 years old

My Dearest Baby Hannah,

You are my firstborn by one minute and my, how I have watched you grow into lovely little person the last 4 years.

You will read this blog at some point when you can read and when you actually care to learn what kind of person your mom was like when she was parenting you as a young child.

And so, I want to make sure to capture this snapshot of you exactly as you are...so here goes.

There are two sides of the continuum of your personality that I have grown to appreciate and love: the "I'm-just-getting-to-know-you" Hannah all the way to the "I-now-feel-comfortable-with-you-so-I'll-now-open-up" Hannah.

First, let's start with the "getting to know you" part of you.

I have always described you to many who don't know you as having the personality of a cat: You are very independent, cautious, shy and don't like to draw attention to yourself. You like to sit on the sidelines and watch before you jump in, and you are careful to observe your surroundings and absorb every little detail, even the most amazing of minutia. While it may not look like you are engaging as you sit on the sidelines, you really are - more than any of us ever realize.

When meeting you for the first time, you are polite (mostly because you know I expect it of you) but you can also be a little ice queen. I can tell you are skeptical of a person or situation from this very defining and SO-signature Hannah action you would take: You would cock your head to the side to carefully observe the said new person as if to say "I really don't know about you. I need to check you out a bit before I determine that you're OK." You've been doing this since you were 7 months old and could sit up.

A case in point:


When you realize said new person has surpassed your bar and has earned your trust (toy gifts and chocolate usually help), then I see the ice wall slowly start to melt. From there, you form a connection that, once established, is a difficult bond to break. Once trust is cemented with you, you are incredibly loyal and loving.
You are one of the most articulate and most absorbant sponges I've ever met. Your careful and detailed observations from first having sat back and taken in the scenery vs. jumping right in come out in the funniest and most pleasantly surprising of ways. And my how amused I am to see how you the application of your observations to many situations -- appropriately so. Which leads me to believe that you have deep capacity for problem solving and analytical thinking...which is a good thing. And I'm not sure where you get it from but there is a certain goofiness and playfulness to your personality. You are a character and constantly make me, your daddy and Luke chuckle.
And when you decide to be serious and focused, oh boy. When you decide you are really in to something, there's no taking your eye off the ball - whether it's coloring, playing with your dolls and figurines or building something with your legos or finding your lost blankie and revered dalmatian Puppy or baby Monkey.

Then I see a little mini-me come out. Yes, even when you were 3 years old, I already started to see traits of me in you. And now at 4, they couldn't be more pronounced. And of course, I see in you some of my very best and some of my very worst traits. My best I see in you: you are persistent, focused, aggressive, detail-oriented. My worst: you become obsessive, you are sometimes indecisive, you divert accountability and begin making your problem others' problem. Hannah, you are a mini-me in so many ways and often provide a mirror into things about myself that I am now learning to not take so seriously, or to change.

You are definitely your mother's daughter, for better or for worse.

All of this said, you are undoubtedly one of the three brightest beacons in my life. And even at 4 years old, I see so much inner and outer beauty in you and what I know you will become.  I only hope to be a role model for you to help you truly reach your God-given potential.

I have no doubt in my mind that you will succeed in whatever you decide to do. You wouldn't dream of anything else.

Happy birthday, my sweet padawans

The things we do for our kids.

Like this.

Just because we can. 

Yes, this is the fight scene from Star Wars, Episode 3 - Revenge of the Sith.  This is the one where Anakin Skywalker turns progressively to the Dark Side and at the very end of the movie he is in a fight scene with Obi Wan Kenobi in the lava fields of Mustafar.  This is right before he loses his limbs and burns himself...only to then become Darth Vader.  

 Queen Amidala, his heartbroken bride gives birth to young twins Luke and Leia - who are hidden and separated at birth so that they are spared from the evil forces of the Dark Side. 

And from there begins the saga.

Happy 4th Birthday, my precious little ones.

And may the force be with you.