Facebook usernames...wha?

I don't get all of the kerfuffle about the Facebook username feature launch the other day.

Don't get me wrong, I got one approximately an hour after they made the username functionality available on 6/12/09...just to avoid someone "name squatting" me.

But, I still don't get it.  

Is this so I can send a URL to friends and family that's easy to remember?   But, can't they just find me on FB by searching through their friends?

And if friends and family are not already on FB connected to me, I don't want anyone else, anywhere else on the web finding me and seeing what I have to say.  Uh...huh?

Thankfully my FB profile is still all behind registration, and still retains my desired privacy settings.  (I know, I am a FB dork)

Point, please?

Ooooohhhhhhmmmmmmmmm

Back in January when I was setting my goals for the year, I wrote this post where one of my goals was to earnestly get back in shape after 4 years of making excuses (my main excuse being the fact that I carried almost 12 pounds of baby matter & birthed our twinsies - DUH).

Little did I know that my "experiment" to find something other than running (due to my tweaked hip from running/training for 2 halfs poorly,  I might add, last year) would turn into a new, surprisingly wonderful, potentially life-changing new passion...yoga.

And not just any yoga.

Hot yoga. 

Sweltering hot, sticky, dripping, so-sweaty-I'm-uncomfortable-because-I'm-paranoid-I'm starting-to-stink-and-sweat-like-a-pig yoga.  

And it's the sauna-like heat and movement that makes you sweat like you would not believe, coming from places on your body you didn't know were even capable of breaking sweat (my ears, my forearms are good examples).

Add to this that everyone around you is breaking a mad sweat too.

This yoga is not totally of the bikram variety.

It is  the hot, vinyasa flow, ashtanga-type yoga with constant active postures.  One might call it the more athletic type of yoga vs. traditional hatha (restorative) yoga.

And now, I'm totally, completely hooked.  In fact, it's become so much a part of my life and routine that I don't quite think I can go without it without seriously getting cranky.   

It has not only kept me in shape and has not only restored me to my pre-baby, pre-wedding body in 5 months (size 26 jeans - WOOT!), but has kept me from going insane.  I also think yoga has even made me a more pleasant person to be around - for my family, friends and work colleagues alike. 

Effin' amazing.  There really is something to this yoga and mediation stuff.  I'm a believer and am a yogini for life, I just know it.

And, as an added benefit, my kids have become so aware of my yoga obsession that they are starting to get into it, too.

Hopefully this is how good habits get started.

Hannah and her version of Tree pose.

Namaste (holding my palms together to my third eye center, bowing my head to the ground).

Still staving off the temptation

It's been about a year since I've started blogging about my life, our life. And so, I recently took a quick down memory lane and looked at what I was consumed with (and blogging about) this time last June '08.

And, funny enough (and not surprisingly), it seems to be the same stuff that consumes me this year:

Kids.

Husband.

Career.

Balancing priorities.

My girlfriends and ME-time

And of course, my latest fashion and product obsessions.

As for the last topic, I chuckled to myself when I read this post from last year about my-then (and continuing) fetish with handbags, especially designer ones.

When I read my list of consumables from that post, I've checked off nearly all the ones off the top of the list except that I still have not given into the temptation of the Pelham (which by the way, is now $1395 vs. the $1330 from 2008 prices).

The same main reason for not giving in apply this year: GUILT.

I simply cannot bring myself to spend the money on something that costs as much as 2/3 of a month's worth of preschool tuition (even though preschool is DONE for us in another week - YAH!) for something that only I can enjoy and get satisfaction from. My kids won't care that this thing is hanging off of my shoulder like I would. For all they know, it's just another sack where they can throw their water bottles and snacks when we're out and about around town. But, it just doesn't seem fair that only I would enjoy it, especially for that price tag.

Never mind that my husband didn't think twice when he dropped more than double the Pelham's price tag for that new triathlon bicycle. ugggggh.

But then again (as some friends tell me), maybe....maybe it's ok and sometimes I need to just give in. Because sometimes, we moms, we just gotta treat ourselves - no matter how impractical.

I think about the purse now and again as I pass Fashion Valley mall and consider perusing the Gucci store, but I KNOW that I will give in if I set foot in that place.

For now, I will continue to stave off the temptation and spend our dollars on other worthwhile, family-enriching things like Disney passes, Spanish and foreign language classes for the kids, or a short vacation weekend away...whatever else other stuff we can enjoy together.

And I'm sure that this time next year, I'll be writing another post about the damn purse and complaining how I continue to take one for the team.

Why I Read to Myself

Having inquisitive and curious 4 year olds often forces me to think about behaviors and natural tendencies I have that I take for granted every day. That's just what I do, and of course, I don't think twice about it...until I get interrogated. And it seems like every day lately, I get a new question from one of my little guys on why I do something or say something the way I do.

The Scene:

H is lying with me in bed, while she "reads" her Dr. Suess book and I am reading my book club book. (Mind you, I just recently started reading for-fun novels again after a long hiatus. For a long time my mind and attention span could not take more than the occasional Economist, Time, InStyle, US Magazine and NYTimes Sunday edition. Who has time?!)

H: Mommy...

Me: Umm-hmmm, sweetie (engrossed in my book).

H: Why are you so quiet?

Me: I'm reading, honey.

H: I KNOW, Mommy.

Me: Ummm-hmmmm.

H: But why aren't you reading out loud?

Me: (finally understanding where she's going with this) Oh, you're wondering why I'm not reading out loud like I do with you guys?

H: Yes, Mommy.

Me: Well, most of the time I read quietly to myself so that I don't bother other people if they don't like the story I'm reading. Also, it makes me read faster when I read quietly, so I can get through big books like this one (as I flip through the pages of my 300-page novel). That's what a lot of grown-ups do, unless they are your teacher.

H: Oh.

Me: And when you learn how to read, you will likely read out loud for a while but over time, you will learn to read quietly to yourself.

H: I don't think I'll ever want to read quietly. But, I will want to read fast. But why does your book not have pictures like mine?

Me: Well, there are a lot of books with just words. Not having pictures allows me to use my imagination so I can see pictures in my head as I'm reading the story, which is a lot more fun.

(pause)

H: Oh, ok. That does sound like it would be more fun. But, I guess I need to learn how to read first before I can read quietly and read fast. And then I can make up pictures in my head like you do, right mommy?

Speaking of the (im)mortal...

...My kids are now somewhat obsessed with vampires.  And specifically, they are obsessed with him.

Yes, Edward.

Edward Cullen.

The Edward Cullen.

So, how did this happen?

Well, sometimes, instead of reading books to them at night, my husband and I make up stories. They saw me reading New Moon one night (which is the 2nd in the Twilight series of vampire novels) and asked me what it was about.  And I proceeded to tell them that the story is about vampires and werewolves.  And just like that...they thought I was the coolest mom for reading such a cool book about such cool mythical creatures.

Then they asked me to tell them a story about it, and so I did.  And thus, I began with the story of how Bella met Edward the vampire.

And now, just like the millions of tweens, teens and other adults out there who can't get enough of Bella and the Cullen family, they are hooked.  Especially on Edward.   They think he's just the best thing ever because he's a good vampire who doesn't eat people but has super-powers.

Wow, they learn fast about pop culture phenoms, don't they?

Explaining mortality to a 4 1/2 year old

Yesterday, we took the kids to the "Touch a Truck" event to benefit pediatric cancer research.  My friend and colleague, Andy Mikulak, formed the non-profit Max's Ring of Fire (which hosted the event) after the passing of his beautiful 7 year old boy Max to neuroblastoma (an aggressive childhood cancer) last August.  We were there to not only offer our support but also enjoy a family-friendly outing that we knew the kids would enjoy.

We had attended Max's "celebration of life"  last fall after his passing, so the kids still remember Max and continue to talk about him as if they actually knew him -- when in reality, they have never crossed paths.    

But to my kids, Max continues to be their hero because of his strength and courage in his 4 year fight against the horrible cancer.  And when they talk about heaven, they mention Max.

Every so often they ask about his cancer and are perplexed as to why he was so young when he died.  My grandmother passed this past February and they "got" that she was old and lived a long life, but they still sometimes don't understand what happened to Max.

L: Mommy, why did Max die?

Me: Because he was very, very sick.

L:  What made him sick?

Me: He had a disease, which is a sickness, and it's called cancer.

L:  Was it because he didn't wear socks or have his shots at the doctor?

Me:  No, honey...sometimes it just happens.  But, wearing socks and getting your shots at the doctor can help you stay healthy.

L: But, why?

Me:  I can't explain it honey. But, this is why it's always good to be as healthy as possible in the things you can control...like eating your veggies, exercising and other stuff.

L:  So even if you do all that stuff, you still may die?

Me: Yes, honey...but this is why it's good to treat your body in the best way possible and that includes what you eat and making sure you get physical activity. So, this means that you shouldn't let Grandma and Grandpa take you to Big M (McDonalds) too much because the food isn't very healthy.

L: Oh, OK.

Me: So, does this means you will try your veggies?

L: (long pause)  Um....No.

________

Despite the conversation that this event sparked between my son and I on mortality, I still think of Max often and am in awe of his courage and his vivacious spirit.   I often use him as an example of the brave warrior in all of us who is now smiling upon us as an angel in heaven.

Just do it

Below is the passage from one of my favorite Nike print ads, from the early 90's. I was in college at the time this ad campaign came out.

I don't know why this print ad inspired me so much at the time but after reading this again this week I realize that I still love it.

The message is quite simple and timeless:
Life happens but ultimately we all control our own destiny.
And often it amounts to the lens and attitude with which we choose to see the world that ultimately impacts how and if we move forward.

I sooo needed to read this again, especially this week.


You were born a daughter.
You looked up to your mother.
You looked up to your father.
You looked up at everyone.
You wanted to be a princess.
You thought you were a princess.
You wanted to own a horse.
You wanted to be a horse.
You wanted your brother to be a horse.
You wanted to wear pink.
You never wanted to wear pink.
You wanted to be a Veterinarian.
You wanted to be President.
You wanted to be the President's Veterinarian.
You were picked last for the team.
You were the best one on the team.
You refused to be on the team.
You wanted to be good in algebra.
You hid during algebra.
You wanted the boys to notice you.
You were afraid the boys would notice you.
You started to get acne.
You started to get breasts.
You started to get acne that was bigger than your breasts.
You wouldn't wear a bra.
You couldn't wait to wear a bra.
You couldn't fit into a bra.
You didn't like the way you looked.
You didn't like the way your parents looked.
You didn't want to grow up.
You had your first best friend.
You had your first date.
You had your second best friend.
You had your second first date.
You spent hours on the telephone.
You got kissed.
You got to kiss back.
You went to the prom.
You didn't go to the prom.
You went to the prom with the wrong person.
You spent hours on the telephone.
You fell in love.
You fell in love.
You fell in love.
You lost your best friend.
You lost your other best friend.
You really fell in love.
You became a steady girlfriend.
You became a significant other.

YOU BECAME SIGNIFICANT TO YOURSELF.

Sooner or later, you start taking yourself seriously. You know when you need a break. You know when you need a rest. You know what to get worked up about and what to get rid of. And you know when it's time to take care of yourself, for yourself. To do something that makes you stronger, faster, more complete. Because you know it's never too late to have a life. And never too late to change one.

JUST DO IT.

Catharsis

dearest kids,

(breathe. breathe. breathe. deep. breaths. ooohhhhm.)

i am showing restraint right now by writing in my blog instead of marching into your bedroom like a drill sergeant and ordering you to go to bed.

it's 10:30p.m. and you are still up laughing and giggling and fighting and playing in the corners of your dimly lit room.

do you know that i have to wake you up at 6:30 a.m. tomorrow morning so i can make it in time to get myself together, get you together, feed you breakfast, eat my breakfast, lather you up with sunscreen, make your lunch, make my lunch, take you to preschool...all so i can make my 8:30 a.m. meeting at work??? (all this without any make-up and with my hair barely combed)

i know there are things i can do differently so it's not a battle every night when we put you down for bed and so that i am less tired when i wake up every morning.

like separate you.
or take the toys out of your room permanently.
or take down the nightlight and have it be completely dark.
or not keep you up with me to watch Idol, or Survivor or some other silly reality show.
or not stay up after i've put you down to surf the internets & facebook, or do work.

but i haven't acted on those ideas.

you know why?

because i inherently have faith that you will be able to deal and work through it. because you're 4 now.
and because i have an aspiration that instead of changing my habits, you may even adapt (even though i know it's unfair to expect from you).

or maybe sometimes i just don't want to deal which is why i am sitting here typing and venting instead of intervening and telling you for the 7th time to go to bed...because i'm so dang tired.

and that if i do go in there and intervene, i may have a mommy-dearest moment and say something i don't want to say or say something in a tone that i will regret later. and that you will be angry with me and resent me.

or maybe i'm just hoping that at some point ignoring your late-night-you-really-should-be-sleeping-banter is OK and that in a few minutes i'll have peace and quiet as you slowly fall into slumber.

......

which is what i now have, 25 minutes into typing this post.

whew.

ok, that felt good.

good night.

(Almost) officially in my late 30's

Today is my last day of being 36.  

You know, when you can still consider yourself in the mid-30-something cohort.  

Tomorrow, May 17, I turn 37.  I think that officially qualifies me as being a part of the late-30's set.  

I am exactly how old my mom was when I first told my mom, "gosh, you're old, momma."

But I don't feel old.  I feel exactly the way I did when I was 27, but wiser and more strong than I've ever been  - strong in mind, spirit and physicality.  Which is all a 37-year-old can ask for.

So, as with every birthday, I take inventory of what's happened over the last year...well, the last 10 years.  And I realize how far I've come since I was 27.  And it makes me smile.

First of all, "I" is now a WE x4 - me + a husband and two 4 1/2 year old lovely children.  Twins, no less.  A boy and a girl.  I feel so blessed.

I don't live in a shoebox studio in San Fran anymore, living the life of a traveling consultant who never knew what city I would be in a month out.  I...we actually own a home and are about as settled as we will ever be.

And my career.  Who would have ever thought I would be doing what I'm doing and continuing to move this part of my life forward, but I am and I can't complain.  

So, with that, I celebrate the fullness of my life and how far I have come on my 37th birthday-- however small, careful, and few the baby-steps I've taken to get here.   

And.  

I know.  

I deserve. 

THIS.

I'm ba-ack.

Someone on FB reminded me the other day that I needed to update my blog (yes, that's you, M). And so I am.

I have to remember that I should not feel pressure to update this thing. And that this is here for my enjoyment, my venting outlet, and that updating this should be a fun thing.

It had been so long since I have updated this blog that I started feeling guilty for not updating it. And instead of addressing the guilt by taking action and blogging (even for just a short post), I kept prolonging it and then felt more and more guilty. Because of my guilt, I kept prolonging it and got into this virtuous cycle. (ever get into those cycles or is it just crazy me?!)

Well, I'm back. And I'm blogging. Even if it's about nothing. Or something short and quick. Or a silly, mundane thing that happened to me or the kids or US that I want to remember.

Because that's why I started this thing to begin with - to remember this crazy, busy, insane time in our lives when the kids are still this big, and life is THIS busy. Everyone I know with bigger or grown-up kids tells me that this time - this very special time - just zips by in a flash...and that someday, I'll want to remember and look back on these treasured days when the kids actually still want to hang out with me (instead of their friends) and when they are still so small that I can carry them without throwing out my back.

So here I am.