Is this my 4-year old or my mom lecturing me?!

This, yesterday evening:

Me:  Sweeties, can you please clean up your room before you go to bed?  (looking around at the plentiful Star Wars action figures, the TinkerToys, the Matchbox cars, and other plastic creatures that cluttered the rug of their room)

H:  Relaaaaax, Mommy.  

Me:  Huh??  (Surprised, as I had never been told before to "Relax" from either of the kids)

H:  Mommy, we're just kids -  you've got to let us be kids.  Kids are supposed to have messy rooms because we like to play.

My Goals - 2009

OK,  I am inspired to put my 2009 goals out there like my real-world twin mom friend and blog buddy, Sarah, at See Sarah Spin.

Here goes...

Goal #1:  I will lose that twin pregnancy baggage from 4 years ago, if not through surgical help then definitely through natural means - eating better, working out, etc.  

How I know I'm successful: I will fit comfortably back into my size 4 clothes and my 26" waist jeans, preferably with no muffin top.

Goal #2:  I will work out at least 4 times a week and will vary up my routine besides only running.  This includes strength/core training and toning.

How I know I'm successful: See Goal #1 success criteria + I will have more energy.  Also, doing other exercise besides running...yoga, pilates, walking, hiking, swimming.

Goal #3:  I will floss at least more than I have in the past, take better care of my skin and in general, take care of my body - it's my body and I'm stuck with it.  So I better give it some TLC.

How I know I'm successful:  Younger, more youthful skin, good dental visits and strangers calling me "young lady"  or acting surprised (even if they are just humoring me) when I tell them my real age.

Goal #4:  I will spend more quality time and create more genuine encounter moments with my children and my husband.

How I know I'm successful:  Happy kids, happy husband who don't complain that I'm not present.  Mutually satisfying relationships.

Goal #5:  I will continue my path of community involvement/volunteering and take on a leadership role that also furthers my objective of advancing a skillset that can help me in other facets of my life like work, home, etc.

How I know I'm successful:  A developed network of contacts from my community involvement and volunteer work.  My community involvement actually shows tangible, positive outcomes.

Goal #6:  I will reduce my carbon footprint.

How I know I'm successful:  Hmmm.  That's a tough one to measure success.  I guess it's knowing that I am recycling more, driving less, etc.  

Goal #7:  I will eat more organically grown and produced foods.   And so will my family.   No processed crap or crap with preservatives.  This includes expanding the fruits and vegetables we grow in our garden as well as buying from local farmers and harvesters.

How I know I'm successful:  I guess knowing that we're doing this is enough!

And finally, Goal #8:  I will be more patient.

How I know I'm successful:  Putting on my "Pause" button before I start to talk/yell/scream. Being able to control my agitation if I want to say something or do something.

That's all.

Writing Exercise for the Soul

I found this writing exercise from a blog friend, Aaryn Belfer, who I also happen to have met through mutual friends in real life before I re-met her in the blogosphere.  (Go figure...Small world, indeed).  Anyway,  she has a blog I stalk on occasion.   She is also a brilliant photographer and staff writer for CityBeat here in San Diego.  

Anyway,  I really loved what this writing exercise illuminated about her, even though I barely know her.  I decided to do this for myself and post it here.  I know am putting myself out there by doing this, but it also feels strangely liberating.   And it makes me feel so damn self-aware.

If you read this and decide to do this as well, please let me know.  I would love, love, love to check it out.

__________________________________________

I live my life with purpose, but all too often with an eye toward the future instead of the present.  And I am all too aware of it.

I work to satisfy a need I have to do something more than be a wife, a mom, a...whatever.  And even though it takes away from precious family time on occasion, I need to be unapologetic about it.

I talk out loud to myself when I need to build up my confidence about something I need to say. Sometimes I think I'm crazy.

I wish that I didn't worry as much as I do as it's causing me not to live more in the moment.

I enjoy spending Saturday mornings  listening to my children play and interact with one another upstairs while my husband and I enjoy a coffee and reflect on our great life together, all the while our favorite iPod playlist is playing our life soundtrack in the background.

I look at my midsection every day and vow to get a tummy tuck...one of these days.

I smell my children's scent and deeply breathe in their aura every time I hug them.  Pure bliss.

I hide my insecurities from very few, but for the most part, I am an open book.

I pray when I run.  More like reflect.  Running provides a state of spirituality for me that I cannot find in any organized religious forum.

I walk only when I can't run.  Walking feels wimpy to me.

I sing at the top of my lungs in the car when I'm by myself.  Especially during American Idol season when I realize that anyone can be a rock star if they really wanted to set their mind to it.

I can do-it-all-dammit.  Or at least I try.    Just watch me, and maybe I'll even try harder.

I watch my husband interact with our children and am in awe of him and how patient and loving he is with them.   I really lucked out when I married him.  

I yearn to travel the world, live overseas and be an ex-pat, but realize that our life here could severely limit the prospect of doing so.  Which leads me to...

I daydream about being a contestant on the Amazing Race with my husband and seeing how it would potentially hurt or strengthen our marriage.  After all, it is our mutual love of travel and wanderlust that initially brought us together.  I also daydream (can I do another one??) of winning the lottery and what I would do with the money.  I wonder how it would change our lives, positively and negatively.  

I want (secretly) sometimes to keep up with the Joneses but then I catch myself doing it and then blow it off as a silly thought.

I cry at the drop of a hat, at the smallest things, and things that don't really warrant tears. Commercials, cheesy movies, even NCAA championships and Superbowl games.  Vaccination shots, kids' holiday pageants, you name it.

I read too little (in this post-babies era) and when I do I am embarrassed to tell people what I read because they consist of non-intelligent things.   Like Us magazine.  Or Lucky.   Or Perez Hilton.com.   Hey, I think political websites count as intelligent right?

I love my life but often wonder what other untapped potential there is waiting for me.

I wonder what is going on in my children's heads when I am conversing with them.

I touch my children's face and am in awe that there is still a whole lifetime of highs and lows that they have yet to experience.  And...

I hurt knowing that my children will at some point feel pain, sadness, guilt, inadequacy but that with the right coping skills that  we can help instill in them, they will be OK.

I fear dying and being abandoned, but I take solace in the fact that I attempt to live each day with purpose. 

I hope that the new president-elect does not disappoint.  The world's hopes lie in his ability to lead, especially after 8 years of virtually no leadership.

I eat out less often than I used to when I was single.  And when I do, it usually involves somewhere loud and a coloring book menu and crayons.

I break promises to my children sometimes when I bribe them.  When I see the look of disappointment in their faces, it breaks my heart and I think I'm a terrible mother.

I quit my unhealthy social smoking habit years ago, but I still sometimes crave a cigarette. Especially after a few glasses of wine.  Because it makes me feel like a bad-ass.

I bathe with my children in the shower and have come to really enjoy the typically mundane bath-time routine through their eyes.  Who knew that cups and bath paints could entertain so much?

I drink too much caffeine and alcohol and too little water.

I save like I am an immigrant who is hording cash to send back to the family in the motherland. Perhaps because that is what my parents did when I was growing up?

I hug my children's little bodies and savor their petite size now, knowing that hugs will come fewer and far between in several years.

 

I miss the giddiness I used to feel when I first met my husband and yearn for that giddiness on those many days in recent years when I feel as if we are two ships passing in the night.  And I wonder if all marriages follow this pattern and realize I am not alone.

I forgive my father, who has hurt me too many times during the most important events of my life.  I now realize that he has always been an attention-seeker and this was his way of satisfying this need.

I've learned that marriage is an unnatural act.  Putting two people together for the rest of their lives just goes against basic human instincts.  This is why marriage takes work.  And if you have found the right person it makes all the work worth it.

I have wonderful girlfriends who keep me grounded and in check, when my husband can't.

I don't have to do anything I don't want, but sometimes I do out of a sense of responsibility and obligation, because that's how I was raised.

I kiss my kids every night and stare at them as they sleep.  I love that peace I feel when I look at my slumbering children (as opposed to when they are awake and jumping on me).

I wonder if I've learned anything new about myself going through this exercise...

2008 in review (Or, what has inspired me this year)

These little guys (in 2005)...

...Who are now this big.

And him, my life partner, who is my source of balance and strength every day.

Quality time together as a family...whether on vacation or around the holiday table or simple, everyday things, like hanging out in our pajamas at home (or in this case, at a campground).

This awe-inspiring victory, and what it has meant for me, our children and the potential we can reach together...reminding me just how far we have come. 

The wonderful company of female friends who are trying-to-balance-it-all-dammit. And who can also relate to this stressful, crazy, but blissful time in our lives parenting little ones.

Believing in magic, and viewing the world with the hope and wonderment that my children see with every little thing that most adults take for granted.

The beauty of children in general, and what I learn from them each day...especially the lesson about being carefree and unapologetic about anything.

Bummed

I have been lucky the last couple of years to not travel as much as I did early my career when I was living the life of a airline mileage-racking, hotel points-collecting,  Admiral's Club-card-toting life of a jetsetter management consultant.

And as timing would have it, the couple of times I've traveled for work lately, either we were hard-pressed for extra hands to help with the kids or I was missing some event.

Well, this time I'm missing a big event - their annual Holiday Christmas pageant at preschool.

Yep, the one where they wear Santa or Rudolph or Snowmen costumes and sing holiday carols. Truly, video-recording-worthy moments.  This time, instead of just recording the pageant for posterity, it will also be so I can witness it second-hand since I will have to go deliver a biggie presentation to some biggie partner in-person, 2000 miles away from home on this day of all days.

And.

I'm bummed.

SO bummed.

But, I also recognize that it's necessary for me to carry out my responsibility for work and be there.  

Because I'm required.

So, while the other moms and dads will be there to listen and video-record and cheer on their kids as they belt out their holiday hymns, I will be sitting in a presentation in unnamed corporate giant's campus thinking about my kids as hey sing "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer."

Such is the reality of a working mom living the corporate life.  And I can't help but feel such guilt because I'm sure I'll be the only mom in both of their classes who won't be there because she's traveling and working.

(sigh.  thank goodness for daddy and for the grandparents.)

Letter to my Lu-Lu

My Dearest Lu-Lu,

You are my youngest child by one minute and you are now as old as the number of years I spent in college.   My, how time flies.

All too often, your daddy and I have referred to you and your twin sister as a unit. After all, you were conceived together, you lived in my belly and subsisted on my nutrients together, you were born together and have cribbed together. And now, 4 years later, not only do you school together but you are each other's 24/7 playmates. So unique is your relationship with your twin sister that I hope you cherish what you have...it is a bond unlike any other.

Despite all of this, please know that we've always recognized you and your sister as two very unique, lovely individuals who bring such different aspects of delight to our lives.

And, like my letter to your sister, I wanted to write you a letter so that you know who you are but also, and most importantly, so you understand what and how much you mean to me during this crazy, hectic, beautiful time in our lives.

If Hannah is the cat, you definitely personify the loyal puppy dog: you are warm, loyal, welcoming, perennially energetic, charming.  I love it when you run to me after a long day at work and knock me down with your enthusiastic, vigorous, signature Luke-hugs. You have one of the most warm, loving hearts I have ever seen.

There are many sides to you, Luke but at it's core, you are an open book.  On   one hand you are analytical, methodical in your approach to solving problems, organized.  On the other hand, you are a free-spirit and love to go where the wind blows.  You love to be the center of attention;  you are often the life of the party.  You invite people to participate in your world by constantly engaging others around you, including your not-so-gregarious sister.   You love to sing at the top of your lungs.   You love to dance.   You jump up and down when you get excited and scream, "Hurray!"  You are like the Energizer bunny and keep going and going and going... constantly in motion.   You are not easily embarrassed and are completely unapologetic of who you are and what you are doing.  I so admire this quality in you and am in awe of you every day.

You wear your heart on your sleeve, always - whether you are ecstatic or sad, angry or surprised.  You are a quick study.    Your self-awareness and emotional IQ in relating to others constantly amazes me; I only hope you sustain this awareness as you get older...it's a good trait to have.

And perhaps because of your self-awareness, you are able to project this awareness in how you interact with others around you.  You are a sensitive little boy - you are easily amused, but at the same time, you readily get angry or frustrated.    And sometimes this anger and frustration is manifested in playing control games with your daddy and I.  A favorite of yours is to "reset" and start over at the point the affliction was made.  You don't easily let things go; you often want to go back and start over  before you can move forward.   And like Hannah, you picked up a trait (or two...or three) of mine that I am not proud of  and that I am aware I need to change.   I only hope you can cultivate those coping skills as you grow older.

As your mother, I am so aware of your capability to charm and break hearts in the not-so-distant future.    In fact, you already have a following in our neighborhood.  :)   I am sensitive to raise you into responsible young man who is respectful of women and what we bring to the table.  And the only way I can best do this is by role modeling behavior of a woman, a mother, a wife who leads a balanced life.  I am hoping you pay careful attention to the woman who is raising you (and of course, your daddy too).

I love that you are not afraid to show me how you feel about me every day, whether it's jumping on my back and giving me a Luke-hug from behind, or slopping on one of your big wet kisses on my nose.    I especially love when you look into my eyes and tell me "I love you, mommy" and tell me I am beautiful.    What mom doesn't find her son saying such things music to her ears?

You are truly momma's little boy and are one of the biggest delights of my life.

If I were 4 years old again I would want to marry you.

Letter to my mini-me at 4 years old

My Dearest Baby Hannah,

You are my firstborn by one minute and my, how I have watched you grow into lovely little person the last 4 years.

You will read this blog at some point when you can read and when you actually care to learn what kind of person your mom was like when she was parenting you as a young child.

And so, I want to make sure to capture this snapshot of you exactly as you are...so here goes.

There are two sides of the continuum of your personality that I have grown to appreciate and love: the "I'm-just-getting-to-know-you" Hannah all the way to the "I-now-feel-comfortable-with-you-so-I'll-now-open-up" Hannah.

First, let's start with the "getting to know you" part of you.

I have always described you to many who don't know you as having the personality of a cat: You are very independent, cautious, shy and don't like to draw attention to yourself. You like to sit on the sidelines and watch before you jump in, and you are careful to observe your surroundings and absorb every little detail, even the most amazing of minutia. While it may not look like you are engaging as you sit on the sidelines, you really are - more than any of us ever realize.

When meeting you for the first time, you are polite (mostly because you know I expect it of you) but you can also be a little ice queen. I can tell you are skeptical of a person or situation from this very defining and SO-signature Hannah action you would take: You would cock your head to the side to carefully observe the said new person as if to say "I really don't know about you. I need to check you out a bit before I determine that you're OK." You've been doing this since you were 7 months old and could sit up.

A case in point:


When you realize said new person has surpassed your bar and has earned your trust (toy gifts and chocolate usually help), then I see the ice wall slowly start to melt. From there, you form a connection that, once established, is a difficult bond to break. Once trust is cemented with you, you are incredibly loyal and loving.
You are one of the most articulate and most absorbant sponges I've ever met. Your careful and detailed observations from first having sat back and taken in the scenery vs. jumping right in come out in the funniest and most pleasantly surprising of ways. And my how amused I am to see how you the application of your observations to many situations -- appropriately so. Which leads me to believe that you have deep capacity for problem solving and analytical thinking...which is a good thing. And I'm not sure where you get it from but there is a certain goofiness and playfulness to your personality. You are a character and constantly make me, your daddy and Luke chuckle.
And when you decide to be serious and focused, oh boy. When you decide you are really in to something, there's no taking your eye off the ball - whether it's coloring, playing with your dolls and figurines or building something with your legos or finding your lost blankie and revered dalmatian Puppy or baby Monkey.

Then I see a little mini-me come out. Yes, even when you were 3 years old, I already started to see traits of me in you. And now at 4, they couldn't be more pronounced. And of course, I see in you some of my very best and some of my very worst traits. My best I see in you: you are persistent, focused, aggressive, detail-oriented. My worst: you become obsessive, you are sometimes indecisive, you divert accountability and begin making your problem others' problem. Hannah, you are a mini-me in so many ways and often provide a mirror into things about myself that I am now learning to not take so seriously, or to change.

You are definitely your mother's daughter, for better or for worse.

All of this said, you are undoubtedly one of the three brightest beacons in my life. And even at 4 years old, I see so much inner and outer beauty in you and what I know you will become.  I only hope to be a role model for you to help you truly reach your God-given potential.

I have no doubt in my mind that you will succeed in whatever you decide to do. You wouldn't dream of anything else.

Happy birthday, my sweet padawans

The things we do for our kids.

Like this.

Just because we can. 

Yes, this is the fight scene from Star Wars, Episode 3 - Revenge of the Sith.  This is the one where Anakin Skywalker turns progressively to the Dark Side and at the very end of the movie he is in a fight scene with Obi Wan Kenobi in the lava fields of Mustafar.  This is right before he loses his limbs and burns himself...only to then become Darth Vader.  

 Queen Amidala, his heartbroken bride gives birth to young twins Luke and Leia - who are hidden and separated at birth so that they are spared from the evil forces of the Dark Side. 

And from there begins the saga.

Happy 4th Birthday, my precious little ones.

And may the force be with you.

Blog guilt (Or, random musings and justification of how I spend my free time these days)

Where did the month go? 

The election happened; my candidate won.

Work continued to happen, and happen, and happen...with seemingly no end. (not that I am complaining...believe me, I'm just happy to have a job in these fragile economic times.)

The kids are getting closer to 4 years old with every passing day.

And now they are playing holiday music where ever I go.

Gyeeesh.  I know Q4 would fly but this is so ridiculous.

And.  I've been feeling guilty lately that I haven't been blogging.  After all, this is supposed to be my love letter to my kids, and my chronicle of our lives at this crazy, insane time in our lives. But I haven't been blogging.  And it's not that I don't have anything to blog about. 

I have plenty.

It's just that life is so....

Busy.  

Crazy.

Rushed.

That I don't have time to collect myself and my thoughts and write something semi-coherent and meaningful.

And when I do have that extra time these days, I choose to have a massage.  Or do some retail therapy (or window shopping, in this economy).  Or get my nails done. Or have a date with my husband.  Or grab drinks with the girls.   Since I barely have time for myself anymore - outside of parenting, working, wifing, etc.  And the last thing I want to do with any down time is sit in front of a computer when I've been sitting in front of one all damn day for work.

I keep thinking that things will slow down.

And maybe I should accept that they won't and that such is life and such is the pace where I am - WE ARE - in our lives right now.

For now, I will post a few of my favorite, recent photos of the kids that we recently took for our annual family beach photo shoot.  I'm also posting these because I've noticed lately that my last several posts have no photos (and this is why I started this whole thing to begin with - to chronicle our lives right now!)

These photos makes me smile.  And it reminds me that all of the craziness I feel at times (ok, probably most of the time) is ALL worth it.

Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy

I have waited 8 years for this.

What a victory it is. And it is so much sweeter because I know I did my teensy little part in making history here in California's 50th congressional district to help elect Barack Obama.

Effing amazing. I feel ebullient. Ecstatic. Hopeful. And I have faith in the American electorate again.

The enthusiasm and energy across the country... the world... is just amazing.

After today, I can go back to blogging about Hannah and Luke's poop or boogers and their goofy observations about life. Or darling husband's musings. Or mine, about something other than this election.

Hannah, Luke and darling husband - thanks for being so patient with me over the last 8 weeks.

All this campaigning and volunteering and electioneering and debating and attempts to educate others about why Barack- I did for you. I did this for our future, so we can feel hopeful and proud our what our country can achieve.

Yes we can.