Bummed

I have been lucky the last couple of years to not travel as much as I did early my career when I was living the life of a airline mileage-racking, hotel points-collecting,  Admiral's Club-card-toting life of a jetsetter management consultant.

And as timing would have it, the couple of times I've traveled for work lately, either we were hard-pressed for extra hands to help with the kids or I was missing some event.

Well, this time I'm missing a big event - their annual Holiday Christmas pageant at preschool.

Yep, the one where they wear Santa or Rudolph or Snowmen costumes and sing holiday carols. Truly, video-recording-worthy moments.  This time, instead of just recording the pageant for posterity, it will also be so I can witness it second-hand since I will have to go deliver a biggie presentation to some biggie partner in-person, 2000 miles away from home on this day of all days.

And.

I'm bummed.

SO bummed.

But, I also recognize that it's necessary for me to carry out my responsibility for work and be there.  

Because I'm required.

So, while the other moms and dads will be there to listen and video-record and cheer on their kids as they belt out their holiday hymns, I will be sitting in a presentation in unnamed corporate giant's campus thinking about my kids as hey sing "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer."

Such is the reality of a working mom living the corporate life.  And I can't help but feel such guilt because I'm sure I'll be the only mom in both of their classes who won't be there because she's traveling and working.

(sigh.  thank goodness for daddy and for the grandparents.)

The Empire (working mother guilt) Strikes Back

I came home tonight from work, only to get back on the computer an hour later to fire off some critical work e-mails before the evening settled in. 

So there I was sitting in our home office (mind you, after having spent 10 hours at my work office with no real break...including a 1 1/2 hour working lunch meeting) finishing up e-mails that needed to be sent for a big presentation on Monday.  For 45 minutes.

And there was Hannah, sitting in the home office with me for those 45 minutes, periodically coloring, watching me type e-mails on the computer, and basically trying to get my attention by asking me the same questions...to which I kept replying "Um..hmmm... yes, Hannah. Ten minutes, sweetie," etc.

Finally, she gave up.    Here's how it went down:

H:  What are you doing, mommy?  Are you on your e-mail?

Me: Yes, Hannah (continuing to look at my computer screen while typing away)...Just 10 minutes before you have my full attention.  (tap, tap, tap, tap. type, type, type, type...)

H: Why are you saying 10 minutes?  You said that 10 minutes ago.

Me: Oh yeah, you're right.  (Looking up from my typing.  Oops! Wow, only 3 1/2  - she catches on fast.)

H:  Mommy, do you like to spend time with me when you're at home?

Me:  (At this point, I stop typing all together and look her in the eye.  Oh goodness, here it -- GUILT-- goes again.)

Hannah, honey.  Of course I do.

H:  Then why are you typing e-mails?  You were at work all day during the daytime.  And now it's almost night time.  

Me:  Hannah, I need to do some things for work.  This is part of my responsibility.  I need to do this for my job.  And then after I'm done, you will have me 100%!

H:  (looking down.)

But you're  not looking at me when I talk to you.  

Me: Because I'm typing.  But when I'm done, we can talk all we want!  (I give her a big smile  and give her a bear hug.)

H: Uh...OK.   Can I just stay here in the office with you while you finish?  I just want to be here with you.

Me:  (feeling sad and guilty that I could not give her my undivided attention even after I've already left the physical work office...but haven't yet emotionally left the office)  Ok, honey.  If it makes you feel better to be here with me while I am on e-mail, then please feel free to stay.  I just can't pay full attention to you until I am done.  OK?

H: OK.  (she looks defeated and proceeds to color a Princess Leia coloring page I printed out for her)

(sigh, again)

And of course, two hours later, here I am in the same home office where I was previously sending out work e-mails.  

And now, I am blogging about my interaction with Hannah instead of spending pure quality time --interacting, talking and making solid eye contact with  her.  GEMS, or "genuine encounter moments" as my parenting class teacher in Redirecting Children's Behavior called them.   We need them to make deposits into the emotional bank account vs. what I am doing, which is probably a bunch of withdrawals.  

(At least they are on the floor 2 feet away from me coloring Princess Leia, Darth Vader, Luke Skywalker... and if it makes them feel close to me and is providing a deposit in the emotional bank account, well, then...it'll do.)

One week at a time.  And sometimes, I will have to take shortcuts.